Since beginning this new D/s relationship I have been triggering a lot more than I normally would. I would like to explore that and try to work out why it is happening. Perhaps find a way to make it less likely or perhaps less intense when it does so.
Because of my history of abuse I do have many trigger factors. For some of these, I have over the years, with the aid of good people, been able to work through and play with until they are almost a non-factor. They are there. I am aware of them. However, their impact has been reduced if not nullified in my life. Others, however I still struggle with. That's ok. We all have areas for improvement. Some more than others. My new D-type very much likes orgasm control. He has found that this is a problem with me as even light O-control play can produce triggering effects. I can either flash back completely to a very bad time or I can change head space and go back to the semi-numb head space of yore while still fully aware of my surroundings. Neither are wanted or desired effects. Each time this has happened, He has been very good at recognizing the change and stopping the play to bring me back to myself and provide aftercare. If anything, I struggle to cope with how caring and understanding he is. I find myself wanting to push the thoughts and feelings that come with such an experience away where I think he would rather I talk through them and try to 'deal' with them.
These episodes have been a major source of stress for me in our growing relationship. I know that I the past, the baggage that comes with me from my abuse has caused potential partners to change their minds about seeing me. I just became too much bother. I appricate the kindness that He shows in wanting to help me though this, but I fear that it will become 'too much'.
On of my other major trigger points is being gone down on. I am -terrified- of this. Even writing this is making my heart race. He has decided that I am to get over this. We tried it once, when he first made this decision and I ended up somewhat catatonic. He stopped and cuddled me and did all the right things.
I just... how do you explain to a person that you think you're just broken in some ways?
I have spent years of my life trying to fix the damage that was done. I have scars and honestly, I think that I've done pretty well. Its not perfect, I'm not perfect - but then, no one is.
We are still in the state of sussing each other out. Things are still very new and trust is still being built. If we get to the point of mental bdsm and mind fucks - if that is even his thing... then perhaps we will be able to change some of the well entrenched thought processes through a long process of reprogramming.
Perhaps it is simple self doubt, but I suspect it will all come to an end before we get that far.
It is so instinctive to me, to keep things close. To stay quiet, to hide away feelings so that even I am not aware of them. It was a matter of survival during my abusive relationships and while I worked to undo this bad habit after I left them... it is something that I have once again fallen into when I started to foster a self-abusive thought process in the last few years. In some ways, this is not helped by my tendancy to over think things to a great extent and to have a self awareness of this trait as well as it's oft lack of social acceptablity. This leaves me at times knowing that I -should- share my current emotional state and thoughts but unsure as to how much of it would be acceptable without being seen as an over-share... or to be bat shit crazy. I end up spending a lot of time in my head analyzing my thoughts, afraid to ever express them.
Coming back to the topic at hand, I can see why the triggering is happening. The person I am playing with is pushing a lot of buttons that I generally don't allow to be pushed. I think, that for where I am personally and for where we are in our relationship, that I'm OK with this. There's nothing that leads me to distrust him or think that he has anything but my best interests at heart. Yeah, when it happens, it scares the hell outta me. But he does take good care of me and brings me right back down to earth. Despite my fears and self doubt, he seems to be OK dealing with this when it crops up and while it feels to me like its happening far too often, I suppose in reality it has only really happened a few times. Without putting this play type on my hardlimits list, I don't see a way of stopping the attacks. Perhaps focusing on my surroundings and on being in the immediate moment would help to minimize severity and occurance. End of the day - there is no quick fix. I've lived with it for years and if i have to put up with it happening more often for the sake of spending time with someone who's company I greatly enjoy, well... it seems a fair trade.
Monday, 12 December 2011
Friday, 2 December 2011
Ruby Slippers
I always loved fairytales as a child. Especially ones where strong headed girls would go off on wild adventures and yet still come back to the safety of home. Home. It was always important, even then. To have that safe place. That refuge for retreat. No surprise, really, considering how badly I was bullied at times. Even though home wasn’t always a picnic, even if I had to be the adult when I was just a kid... I was just like Cinderella - in my own little corner, in my own little chair. As I got older and had more adventures I lived many fairytales, from childhood favorites that ended happily ever after to the more adult Grimm brothers tales. Tales that I have spoken a little of, that ended not so happily and left me scarred. There is one fairy tale that I find myself still acting out, still living...
If I knew what made a place feel like home, this would be so much easier. I am conscious that I do not belong where I am but neither do I belong where I once was. Time has changed it and myself too much. I can go back, but it’s not home anymore. This odd happen chance leaves me a consistent outsiders, a role I tire of. But is it even possible now for me to belong anywhere?
Perhaps this is why belonging to Someone appeals so much. At least then I can belong. Can a person be home instead of a place?
That’s an odd thing to hope for in a Master - Dominant/ lover/ friend/ partner/ home
Once there was a girl who lived a happy little life - contented but the little world in which she found herself, she filled her days creating constructs of fire and metal. She warmed her heart with friendship and fed her soul with love. She never looked at the sky and wondered and she never looked for more. She existed and existing was enough.
Then, one day, in a fit of madness, the girl's father took her far far away to a place where there was no metal and no fire for her to build with and though the people looked the same, they did not speak the same language. The girl could not warm herself as she once had and grew cold. The girl could not feed herself as she once had and so a great hunger overcame her.
The girl knew if only she could find home, she could be warm and full. She planned for weeks and finally made her escape. Her journey was long, yet eventually she reached the land of her birth…but something was wrong. Something had changed. It had changed and the journey had changed her. This place was no longer her home.
The girl retreated into herself and considered the situation, all the while her need for warmth and hunger growing - still changing her. If what she needed was not here and it was not in the strange land to which her father had taken her, where was it? While the girl was thinking, her father found her and carried her back to that far off land. Having no reason left, she did not fight.
She resolved to find the things she needed. To find what brought her joy and where she found it, there she would make her home. The hunger made her wonder and for the first time she looked up at the sky in curiosity. The cold made her hard where once she was soft and in her search for answers she was cruel. Her quest made her want more than what she once had. A big life, full and free - uncompromising. The hunger grew and grew, leaving her wanting more and more with nothing to fulfill her while the cold left her heart like ice.
The girl cries at night, calling only for the one thing she cannot find - home
If I knew what made a place feel like home, this would be so much easier. I am conscious that I do not belong where I am but neither do I belong where I once was. Time has changed it and myself too much. I can go back, but it’s not home anymore. This odd happen chance leaves me a consistent outsiders, a role I tire of. But is it even possible now for me to belong anywhere?
Perhaps this is why belonging to Someone appeals so much. At least then I can belong. Can a person be home instead of a place?
That’s an odd thing to hope for in a Master - Dominant/ lover/ friend/ partner/ home
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Conundrum
I have been presented with an interesting situation.
I am in a new and relatively intense relationship with a D/s dynamic. I am greatly enjoying the way things are going and certainly enjoying the feelings of security and serenity that come with being owned (though I do not think my D-type considers me so). Ours is currently a relaxed dynamic wherein I have a lot of freedom, though I am more than happy to follow instructions (even when I don’t like them). I particularly like the rule that I’m to sit at his feet, rather than on the sofa with him unless given special permission… but then, I like rules. There is a –lot- of New Relationship Energy (NRE) kicking about and while I remain emotionally unaffected, I find the cocktail of NRE chemicals have me wanting to be so. Part of me has been worried about this, but I am trying to allow myself to live a little more day to day and be open to experiences that I previously would have walked away from.
With all of this going on, I have been approached by an experienced, well-known D-type from the scene. The exact details are a little hazy, but he has asked in no uncertain terms if I am ready to talk seriously about having a session together. Previously I would have jumped at the chance and really, it has only been bad timing that has stopped us from getting this far before. He has a wife and sex would not be any part of our activities. It would have suited me perfectly. I have spoken to my D-type and he has advised that he knows of this person and would feel comfortable leaving me in their care. He has left the decision up to me. However, now I find myself somewhat reluctant…
I don’t trust people. Sex requires little trust. It’s safe. Its impersonal. It keeps people at a distance while simulating intimacy.
Giving yourself to another, Submitting yourself to their whim, even if only for a agreed upon time – requires trust. Trust that despite the sadistic desires they will take out of your flesh, they have your best interests at heart and in mind. Trust that they know what they are doing. Trust that they will hear your safe-word and stop, or that they will be able to bring you to the edge of saying it, see it and step down the abuse to give you a breather before pushing you on. Trust that they know enough about themselves and their tools not to leave life-long scars.
I stopped trusting people, because I have a habit of trusting the wrong ones. I have the scars to show it.
Despite my interactions with this person, despite my d-type’s good words and the reputation he commands – I don’t know that I trust this man.
In addition to this, while the relationship is still new and while I don’t necessarily feel a strong emotional connection as yet, I feel a strong sense of submission to my D-type. While I have scene’d outside of relationships – I have never done so while in an active D/s relationship and I feel a little weird about the idea of doing so here. Were my D-type to order me of it, I would not question – but with it being my choice, I feel conflicted. Almost disloyal for considering it. An odd emotional sensation for a poly-orientated woman.
Still, I am curious.
I’m not entirely sure how to proceed but I’d like to meet him and see what he has in mind.
I am in a new and relatively intense relationship with a D/s dynamic. I am greatly enjoying the way things are going and certainly enjoying the feelings of security and serenity that come with being owned (though I do not think my D-type considers me so). Ours is currently a relaxed dynamic wherein I have a lot of freedom, though I am more than happy to follow instructions (even when I don’t like them). I particularly like the rule that I’m to sit at his feet, rather than on the sofa with him unless given special permission… but then, I like rules. There is a –lot- of New Relationship Energy (NRE) kicking about and while I remain emotionally unaffected, I find the cocktail of NRE chemicals have me wanting to be so. Part of me has been worried about this, but I am trying to allow myself to live a little more day to day and be open to experiences that I previously would have walked away from.
With all of this going on, I have been approached by an experienced, well-known D-type from the scene. The exact details are a little hazy, but he has asked in no uncertain terms if I am ready to talk seriously about having a session together. Previously I would have jumped at the chance and really, it has only been bad timing that has stopped us from getting this far before. He has a wife and sex would not be any part of our activities. It would have suited me perfectly. I have spoken to my D-type and he has advised that he knows of this person and would feel comfortable leaving me in their care. He has left the decision up to me. However, now I find myself somewhat reluctant…
I don’t trust people. Sex requires little trust. It’s safe. Its impersonal. It keeps people at a distance while simulating intimacy.
Giving yourself to another, Submitting yourself to their whim, even if only for a agreed upon time – requires trust. Trust that despite the sadistic desires they will take out of your flesh, they have your best interests at heart and in mind. Trust that they know what they are doing. Trust that they will hear your safe-word and stop, or that they will be able to bring you to the edge of saying it, see it and step down the abuse to give you a breather before pushing you on. Trust that they know enough about themselves and their tools not to leave life-long scars.
I stopped trusting people, because I have a habit of trusting the wrong ones. I have the scars to show it.
Despite my interactions with this person, despite my d-type’s good words and the reputation he commands – I don’t know that I trust this man.
In addition to this, while the relationship is still new and while I don’t necessarily feel a strong emotional connection as yet, I feel a strong sense of submission to my D-type. While I have scene’d outside of relationships – I have never done so while in an active D/s relationship and I feel a little weird about the idea of doing so here. Were my D-type to order me of it, I would not question – but with it being my choice, I feel conflicted. Almost disloyal for considering it. An odd emotional sensation for a poly-orientated woman.
Still, I am curious.
I’m not entirely sure how to proceed but I’d like to meet him and see what he has in mind.
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Timelines
I have spent the last three years focused on the long term. Doing what has been needed to position myself to begin a five year plan of study I never would have dreamed possible as a child. Even now, the actions I take daily have a great impact on the outcome of that plan and I am acutely aware of this. For the last three years I have isolated myself from the people, relationships and activities that may distract me. This has become such an inbuilt defence mechanism that it has become difficult to create any form of lasting friendship, let alone create the bonds that form the basis of a serious relationship. I have had this plan and hell or high water, it will happen. Too bad for those I need to step on, so sad for those who get in the way - fuck anyone who tries to stop me; even if it ends up being myself who suffers. Especially if it’s myself who suffers. I can survive being lonely and isolated; it will only feed my hunger for success. I want to feel objectified and uncared for, it will feed my isolation and forward my goals. It will allow me to view my body as only a tool to be used - for manipulation of myself and others. If I view myself this way, I can abuse myself as needed. Deny myself food or sleep. Push myself to or beyond my known endurance. It all creates a cycle that feeds back into itself. A negative but productive cycle. I have been working myself through this cycle since the breakup of my marriage in 2008. One could say that apart for my 10-5 year plan, my whole life for the last three years has been No Strings Attached. To anyone. To anything.
Something has happened recently that has made me re-evaluate my life. A few things really;
• Firstly, my great aunt died. She was someone I have always admired, who lived life on her own terms in an era when it wasn't always popular or easy to do so.
• Secondly, I found myself giving my father advice about living life in the now and for yourself and not for someone else. These events have caused me to be uncomfortable on some level with the way I have been living.
• Then, a couple weeks ago I discovered that my grandfather has Alzheimer's. This knowledge has really been a catalyst for some new thought processes.
My first instinct was to drop everything, pack up and go home to be there with him. I have been away for ten years now. i missed out the last ten years of my aunt’s life, thinking I’d have time to get to know her better later. That ‘later’ never came. The risk of making the same mistake with my grandfather eats away at me. my second thought was that my grandfather would not want me to abandon my studies for his sake. I then began to examine the knee-jerk reaction, to wonder why I would so easily turn my back on an endeavour that I had torn my world down to pursue. After a lot of consideration and examination of conditions, I have come to the conclusion that it’s the emotional connection that I have to my grandfather that I don’t have with my studies. Or really, with anything in my life here. (bar, perhaps, my cats, but I could take them anywhere with me. part of the reason I have them.) for the last three years, this connection is really something that I have lived without, happily (more or less), however the threat of losing this thin connection I have to someone I care for but rarely have a chance to speak to has made me wonder if maybe I am doing something wrong in avoiding creating those ties here.
I have enjoyed the ability to move in and out of social circles, to remain unaffected by those I encounter, to feel no regret at leaving – only a quiet excitement for the next adventure on the horizon. I have revelled in the freedom that has come with answering to no one but myself unless I have chosen for some short time to do otherwise. There is a sense of accomplishment from being self-contained. An odd amusement from being “in the world but not of it”. A person, a thing, apart from the general rules of society.
However, maybe those general rules are there for a reason. Maybe those interpersonal relationships I have avoided are more than a distraction. Perhaps they are as worthy of my time as the studies I pursue so eagerly, so single-mindedly. It is possible I have been doing myself a disservice by only allowing myself superficial societal links with the world around me. and yet, how can I allow myself such attachments when the plan has been for so long to leave as soon as I finished my Masters? Is it possible to have these associations while still keeping sight of my goals? Part of my end goal was to leave this place, what if these bonds change this desire? Does that make me weak?
At the same time that I have these questions rolling like lead marbles in my head, I am also faced with another conundrum. One that has been pestering me (and I have been studiously ignoring) for over a year now. I have a medical condition that makes me less capable of independence than I once was. It also forces me to work in smaller time scales as it can render me incapable of action for hours or days at a time. I can plan a week or a month like I once would, but I have to leave myself a lot more wiggle room and I have to be prepared for the possibility that very little may go according to plan. As such, I am capable of a far smaller workload than I once was and I cannot push myself as hard as I might like to or might once have. This condition has brought with it a lot of… emotions. Emotions that I am unused to and struggle to deal with. I have to ask for help a lot. I have to admit weakness, that perhaps I am not up to a given task at a given time. This… is scary. I am slowly adjusting but it poses a lot of incompatibilities with the way that I have been living my life (Which is why I mention it here). Is it possible to have this condition and still accomplish my studies, to earn my Masters? Is it possible to work on these smaller time scales and not lose sight of the big picture, my end goals? Will I be able to travel as widely as I had intended with this condition? Does this condition (technically a disability) make me weak?
Notice the similarities in my lead marbles?
I do not, at this point, have answers to any of these questions. All I have are a lot of confused thoughts and emotions, like a giant tangled up ball of yarn. As I slowly pull and tug on the strings to put everything into order, I will start to get a better idea of myself and what I want to do. Until then, I think, I shall try to be more open to possibilities. To people, to events, to connections. I don’t… I don’t really know how anymore, I don’t think, to let people in or trust them. I don’t know how to want to. or how to know who to put such faith in. maybe deciding to try is enough for now.
Something has happened recently that has made me re-evaluate my life. A few things really;
• Firstly, my great aunt died. She was someone I have always admired, who lived life on her own terms in an era when it wasn't always popular or easy to do so.
• Secondly, I found myself giving my father advice about living life in the now and for yourself and not for someone else. These events have caused me to be uncomfortable on some level with the way I have been living.
• Then, a couple weeks ago I discovered that my grandfather has Alzheimer's. This knowledge has really been a catalyst for some new thought processes.
My first instinct was to drop everything, pack up and go home to be there with him. I have been away for ten years now. i missed out the last ten years of my aunt’s life, thinking I’d have time to get to know her better later. That ‘later’ never came. The risk of making the same mistake with my grandfather eats away at me. my second thought was that my grandfather would not want me to abandon my studies for his sake. I then began to examine the knee-jerk reaction, to wonder why I would so easily turn my back on an endeavour that I had torn my world down to pursue. After a lot of consideration and examination of conditions, I have come to the conclusion that it’s the emotional connection that I have to my grandfather that I don’t have with my studies. Or really, with anything in my life here. (bar, perhaps, my cats, but I could take them anywhere with me. part of the reason I have them.) for the last three years, this connection is really something that I have lived without, happily (more or less), however the threat of losing this thin connection I have to someone I care for but rarely have a chance to speak to has made me wonder if maybe I am doing something wrong in avoiding creating those ties here.
I have enjoyed the ability to move in and out of social circles, to remain unaffected by those I encounter, to feel no regret at leaving – only a quiet excitement for the next adventure on the horizon. I have revelled in the freedom that has come with answering to no one but myself unless I have chosen for some short time to do otherwise. There is a sense of accomplishment from being self-contained. An odd amusement from being “in the world but not of it”. A person, a thing, apart from the general rules of society.
However, maybe those general rules are there for a reason. Maybe those interpersonal relationships I have avoided are more than a distraction. Perhaps they are as worthy of my time as the studies I pursue so eagerly, so single-mindedly. It is possible I have been doing myself a disservice by only allowing myself superficial societal links with the world around me. and yet, how can I allow myself such attachments when the plan has been for so long to leave as soon as I finished my Masters? Is it possible to have these associations while still keeping sight of my goals? Part of my end goal was to leave this place, what if these bonds change this desire? Does that make me weak?
At the same time that I have these questions rolling like lead marbles in my head, I am also faced with another conundrum. One that has been pestering me (and I have been studiously ignoring) for over a year now. I have a medical condition that makes me less capable of independence than I once was. It also forces me to work in smaller time scales as it can render me incapable of action for hours or days at a time. I can plan a week or a month like I once would, but I have to leave myself a lot more wiggle room and I have to be prepared for the possibility that very little may go according to plan. As such, I am capable of a far smaller workload than I once was and I cannot push myself as hard as I might like to or might once have. This condition has brought with it a lot of… emotions. Emotions that I am unused to and struggle to deal with. I have to ask for help a lot. I have to admit weakness, that perhaps I am not up to a given task at a given time. This… is scary. I am slowly adjusting but it poses a lot of incompatibilities with the way that I have been living my life (Which is why I mention it here). Is it possible to have this condition and still accomplish my studies, to earn my Masters? Is it possible to work on these smaller time scales and not lose sight of the big picture, my end goals? Will I be able to travel as widely as I had intended with this condition? Does this condition (technically a disability) make me weak?
Notice the similarities in my lead marbles?
I do not, at this point, have answers to any of these questions. All I have are a lot of confused thoughts and emotions, like a giant tangled up ball of yarn. As I slowly pull and tug on the strings to put everything into order, I will start to get a better idea of myself and what I want to do. Until then, I think, I shall try to be more open to possibilities. To people, to events, to connections. I don’t… I don’t really know how anymore, I don’t think, to let people in or trust them. I don’t know how to want to. or how to know who to put such faith in. maybe deciding to try is enough for now.
I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
- Florence & The Machine
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
Grappling
I have been in and out of D&s relationships for years. i have been on scene, off scene and back on it again. i began as a lost little girl and now, after a lot of soul searching, i begin to wonder if i am something i always abhorred the idea of.
when i submit, when i give up that control to another, not within the confines of a a moment or a scene, i cannot fail to give up all of myself. even as i fight the process, i fight because for me there is no middle ground. i cannot conceive of a D&s where the D-type would not have fine say. even when it comes to a safe word, i may say it, but it would never occur to me to expect my D-type to automatically stop then. i will accept a lot of ill treatment from a D-type because i believe it is their right to do with me as they with. having experienced true abuse, i know it and will stand up for myself, however, i will not complain often about hurt feelings or petty things. at the end of the day, it doesn't seem important. it feels that being part of a D/s relationship - we're working towards something larger than that. something that those things would only detract from.
it is slowly dawning on me, that i consider myself my D-type's property. that i am in fact, not a submissive, but a slave. i need the M/s dynamic to thrive. i can survive otherwise and i can be happy. but to thrive and be Happy, i need that dynamic. the support, the control, the confines.
perhaps it is something i have always known somewhere in the back of my mind but never actively realized.
when i submit, when i give up that control to another, not within the confines of a a moment or a scene, i cannot fail to give up all of myself. even as i fight the process, i fight because for me there is no middle ground. i cannot conceive of a D&s where the D-type would not have fine say. even when it comes to a safe word, i may say it, but it would never occur to me to expect my D-type to automatically stop then. i will accept a lot of ill treatment from a D-type because i believe it is their right to do with me as they with. having experienced true abuse, i know it and will stand up for myself, however, i will not complain often about hurt feelings or petty things. at the end of the day, it doesn't seem important. it feels that being part of a D/s relationship - we're working towards something larger than that. something that those things would only detract from.
it is slowly dawning on me, that i consider myself my D-type's property. that i am in fact, not a submissive, but a slave. i need the M/s dynamic to thrive. i can survive otherwise and i can be happy. but to thrive and be Happy, i need that dynamic. the support, the control, the confines.
perhaps it is something i have always known somewhere in the back of my mind but never actively realized.
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Battlefields
i would like to preclude this post with a few comments. first, we All have our histories, our emotional baggage and our crosses to bear. as much as i would like to say that my history does not impact me today, it has greatly shaped me and i think that is worth acknowledging. being that this is a blog about me and my kink, i feel this is important ground to cover so that its easier to see where i have come from.
Two weeks before my 15th birthday, i was raped by my then boyfriend (K). Blessing or curse, due to a mental block, it’s not an experience that i remember much about. I remember the lead up and the aftermath.
i skipped class with K to visit a mate who hadn’t bothered with class that day. when we got there, she had popped out to the shops (or her dealer as the case may be) but left a note that the door was open and we should go in to wait. we did... and then we did what any teenage couple in that position would do, we made out. making out turned into heavy petting and then he wanted more. he was bigger and stronger than i was. he was on top. he had my reach by half a mile. i said stop, repeatedly. i squirmed to get away... and then... i remember seeing these two birds out the window, flying and wishing i was one of them... then suddenly i was back in the room. he was on the side of the bed telling me to clean myself up and put my clothes on.
i still get flashes of that day. i still have nightmares. what details i won't allow myself to remember, may brain uses great artistic license to recreate as it sees fit. the fact that it happened no longer bothers me. i've even gotten used to the nightmares for the most part, or at least i'm used to having them. every once in a while a particularly bad one comes along and upsets me. I don’t blame K. he just took advantage of a situation that i should have never allowed myself to be in. I take full responsibility for what happened To Me, In My Situation. i would never hold anyone else to that.
after i was raped, i dropped into a heavy depression and self-harmed. i was in complete denial that it happened at all at first. until that point, i had this theory that innocence couldn't be lost; it only needed to be maintained. but how could i maintain something that had so clearly been taken away from me? self harming allowed me for a time to numb the mental distress i was experiencing. i felt lost, alone and hopeless. it was during this period that i met T. at first he seemed kind and caring. he lived near me and seemed to sense i needed building up. at first he did just that. then he started to get sarcastic, then he started to put me down out right. when i objected or called him on it, he'd physically intimidate me. this escalated to hitting and worse. after he had coaxed me into sex, when we were alone at his - he started experimenting. he always listened to metallica when he did it.. sometimes he'd be drinking. i could say no all i wanted, but it never changed anything. though when i fought back, he'd make sure i regretted it. there are something i don’t remember as well as others. when he was "being nice" and going down on me, he would torture me with his teeth so bad that i still cant relax or enjoy anyone eating me out. he would bring me to the point of orgasm and then beat me when i did until i learned not to orgasm at all. sometimes he would loan me to his friends.but it was when he started putting things inside me that i knew i had to get out. it took time for me to build up the courage to leave. it was had because though i didn’t live with him, he was just down the street. once i did leave, i started to take tae kwon do classes to try and build up my confidence. i still look back on those days in awe; i don’t know how i was strong enough to do that. that man still terrifies me. every once in a while i'll have dreams that i'm back there. those nights are a thousand times worse than my normal nightmares. i'm so lucky that i ended up moving to Scotland. after i left, he kept threatening to hurt me, sometimes to kill me. i'd like to think that time has made him a better person, but i recently heard from a friend back home who says he's still seething over it.
these instances of abuse have been followed by some very destructive emotionally abusive relationships. all together, these events have greatly affected the way i view the world and the relationships i have with people. i still struggle to trust though and to form lasting relationships with people. it’s much easier for me to walk away from someone than it is for me to stay and work through difficulties. i find it difficult to express any real need or want to people, or to share all but the most surface emotions with them. I keep my friends at a distance. I rarely let them see more than one or two sides of my personality. The more they see the more risk I put myself at. to my mind, it is safer to stay as isolated as possible and to only seek companionship on a superficial level. i know this is a fallacy; however i find it very difficult to shake such a strong belief. But, at the end of the day - the Only person i know i can trust, is me.
while emotional closeness is very difficult for me, physical intimacy is easy - almost irrelevant. it means very little to me. while enjoyable, it is just that, enjoyable. nothing more, nothing less. there are no emotions attached. i view my body as more of a tool, something to be used (and abused) for my enjoyment, than as "me". i inhabit it but it is not what i am. i am careful with it, i would not treat any tool i owned poorly, but i am not overly protective of it.
i believe that while these events have perhaps shaped me in a "negative" way, they have also made me much stronger than i might have been otherwise. i'm not glad they happened, but i won’t wish they didn't. without them i wouldn't be me.
it’s strange; it has taken me almost a week to write this post. these events are something i can speak of with no real impact, but somehow writing them down makes them more real - painful again. sorry if it seems jumbled. it’s difficult to put the cloud of thoughts i've had into a linear essay that would be easy to follow.
we are all battlefields, marching along.
Two weeks before my 15th birthday, i was raped by my then boyfriend (K). Blessing or curse, due to a mental block, it’s not an experience that i remember much about. I remember the lead up and the aftermath.
i skipped class with K to visit a mate who hadn’t bothered with class that day. when we got there, she had popped out to the shops (or her dealer as the case may be) but left a note that the door was open and we should go in to wait. we did... and then we did what any teenage couple in that position would do, we made out. making out turned into heavy petting and then he wanted more. he was bigger and stronger than i was. he was on top. he had my reach by half a mile. i said stop, repeatedly. i squirmed to get away... and then... i remember seeing these two birds out the window, flying and wishing i was one of them... then suddenly i was back in the room. he was on the side of the bed telling me to clean myself up and put my clothes on.
i still get flashes of that day. i still have nightmares. what details i won't allow myself to remember, may brain uses great artistic license to recreate as it sees fit. the fact that it happened no longer bothers me. i've even gotten used to the nightmares for the most part, or at least i'm used to having them. every once in a while a particularly bad one comes along and upsets me. I don’t blame K. he just took advantage of a situation that i should have never allowed myself to be in. I take full responsibility for what happened To Me, In My Situation. i would never hold anyone else to that.
after i was raped, i dropped into a heavy depression and self-harmed. i was in complete denial that it happened at all at first. until that point, i had this theory that innocence couldn't be lost; it only needed to be maintained. but how could i maintain something that had so clearly been taken away from me? self harming allowed me for a time to numb the mental distress i was experiencing. i felt lost, alone and hopeless. it was during this period that i met T. at first he seemed kind and caring. he lived near me and seemed to sense i needed building up. at first he did just that. then he started to get sarcastic, then he started to put me down out right. when i objected or called him on it, he'd physically intimidate me. this escalated to hitting and worse. after he had coaxed me into sex, when we were alone at his - he started experimenting. he always listened to metallica when he did it.. sometimes he'd be drinking. i could say no all i wanted, but it never changed anything. though when i fought back, he'd make sure i regretted it. there are something i don’t remember as well as others. when he was "being nice" and going down on me, he would torture me with his teeth so bad that i still cant relax or enjoy anyone eating me out. he would bring me to the point of orgasm and then beat me when i did until i learned not to orgasm at all. sometimes he would loan me to his friends.but it was when he started putting things inside me that i knew i had to get out. it took time for me to build up the courage to leave. it was had because though i didn’t live with him, he was just down the street. once i did leave, i started to take tae kwon do classes to try and build up my confidence. i still look back on those days in awe; i don’t know how i was strong enough to do that. that man still terrifies me. every once in a while i'll have dreams that i'm back there. those nights are a thousand times worse than my normal nightmares. i'm so lucky that i ended up moving to Scotland. after i left, he kept threatening to hurt me, sometimes to kill me. i'd like to think that time has made him a better person, but i recently heard from a friend back home who says he's still seething over it.
these instances of abuse have been followed by some very destructive emotionally abusive relationships. all together, these events have greatly affected the way i view the world and the relationships i have with people. i still struggle to trust though and to form lasting relationships with people. it’s much easier for me to walk away from someone than it is for me to stay and work through difficulties. i find it difficult to express any real need or want to people, or to share all but the most surface emotions with them. I keep my friends at a distance. I rarely let them see more than one or two sides of my personality. The more they see the more risk I put myself at. to my mind, it is safer to stay as isolated as possible and to only seek companionship on a superficial level. i know this is a fallacy; however i find it very difficult to shake such a strong belief. But, at the end of the day - the Only person i know i can trust, is me.
while emotional closeness is very difficult for me, physical intimacy is easy - almost irrelevant. it means very little to me. while enjoyable, it is just that, enjoyable. nothing more, nothing less. there are no emotions attached. i view my body as more of a tool, something to be used (and abused) for my enjoyment, than as "me". i inhabit it but it is not what i am. i am careful with it, i would not treat any tool i owned poorly, but i am not overly protective of it.
i believe that while these events have perhaps shaped me in a "negative" way, they have also made me much stronger than i might have been otherwise. i'm not glad they happened, but i won’t wish they didn't. without them i wouldn't be me.
it’s strange; it has taken me almost a week to write this post. these events are something i can speak of with no real impact, but somehow writing them down makes them more real - painful again. sorry if it seems jumbled. it’s difficult to put the cloud of thoughts i've had into a linear essay that would be easy to follow.
we are all battlefields, marching along.
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Self Mastery
i find that when living without a dominate to guide me, i must in some ways, be my own dominate. my own Master. perhaps this is why at times i have been mistaken for a switch (or more baffling, a Domme).
when not in a stable and active D/s (or M/s) relationship i need to create my own rules, my own punishments and my own rewards. without this, i am lost and unsure of myself constantly.
for me, this starts with a set of alarms which schedule my waking time, bedtime and the times at which i take my medication - this ensures i get 8 hours of sleep a night, that i dont waste time sleeping in and that i take my medication on-time. from there, i have a set of rules governing how, when and what i can eat. i have problems surrounding my food intake when i am stressed so this is in some ways to ensure i do eat as much as it is to ensure i eat the right things. there is always a deficit of calories as i find the mild hunger helps to control the need for pain that i have on a daily basis. then i look at my levels of physical activities. when not with someone who prefers a less intensive schedule, i will be in the gym for at least an hour and a half Monday to Friday. life permitting, i try to get in an hour of hard swimming and an hour of jogging in at the weekends. the exercise is good because it also aids in satisfying my daily needs for pain if i push myself hard enough. after that, its 3 hours of studying / class work a day, with a break on Saturday but an extra hour on Sunday. an other time i have is devoted to house work before i look at spending time with my friends or other hobbies. i try to make sure that any hobbies i do engage in are educational or add value to myself in some way.
i think that its important for me to continually try to improve myself with education, awareness of current affairs, an active life style and the study of arts. sometimes this is something like watching an opera or reading about the underlying issues surrounding current world conflicts. other times it can be simply learning a way of doing something i do on a daily basis better. i very much subscribe that anything worth doing is worth doing in an ascetically pleasing manner.
to manage my time and ensure i work efficiently, i use my phone and pc to manage my time. i use outlook to create daily to-do lists and use the calendar to account for my time. its good because i can account for myself for months at a time when i use this technique. i also track my periods, migraines and moods with this calander. so, while it is Always very full (sometimes confusingly so) it is also incredibly informative.
along side the above, i am almost constantly listening to music, which generally can be very telling of my mood since i tend to listen to what matches how i'm feeling. other times, i use it to change my mood or to make myself face something. for example, since Saturday i have been making myself listen to music that reminds me of the people i just left. it hurts, but the more i listen to it, the more i desensitize myself to the pain of their loss. its helping already, but i've a long way to go.
micromanaging myself helps me feel the security that i would feel surrendering my body, heart and mind to a D-type. it also allows me to hand a good amount of data about my day to day life to someone i might be considering to submit to. along the way i am making myself the best that i can be, for myself. because if i dont value me, who else will?
when not in a stable and active D/s (or M/s) relationship i need to create my own rules, my own punishments and my own rewards. without this, i am lost and unsure of myself constantly.
for me, this starts with a set of alarms which schedule my waking time, bedtime and the times at which i take my medication - this ensures i get 8 hours of sleep a night, that i dont waste time sleeping in and that i take my medication on-time. from there, i have a set of rules governing how, when and what i can eat. i have problems surrounding my food intake when i am stressed so this is in some ways to ensure i do eat as much as it is to ensure i eat the right things. there is always a deficit of calories as i find the mild hunger helps to control the need for pain that i have on a daily basis. then i look at my levels of physical activities. when not with someone who prefers a less intensive schedule, i will be in the gym for at least an hour and a half Monday to Friday. life permitting, i try to get in an hour of hard swimming and an hour of jogging in at the weekends. the exercise is good because it also aids in satisfying my daily needs for pain if i push myself hard enough. after that, its 3 hours of studying / class work a day, with a break on Saturday but an extra hour on Sunday. an other time i have is devoted to house work before i look at spending time with my friends or other hobbies. i try to make sure that any hobbies i do engage in are educational or add value to myself in some way.
i think that its important for me to continually try to improve myself with education, awareness of current affairs, an active life style and the study of arts. sometimes this is something like watching an opera or reading about the underlying issues surrounding current world conflicts. other times it can be simply learning a way of doing something i do on a daily basis better. i very much subscribe that anything worth doing is worth doing in an ascetically pleasing manner.
to manage my time and ensure i work efficiently, i use my phone and pc to manage my time. i use outlook to create daily to-do lists and use the calendar to account for my time. its good because i can account for myself for months at a time when i use this technique. i also track my periods, migraines and moods with this calander. so, while it is Always very full (sometimes confusingly so) it is also incredibly informative.
along side the above, i am almost constantly listening to music, which generally can be very telling of my mood since i tend to listen to what matches how i'm feeling. other times, i use it to change my mood or to make myself face something. for example, since Saturday i have been making myself listen to music that reminds me of the people i just left. it hurts, but the more i listen to it, the more i desensitize myself to the pain of their loss. its helping already, but i've a long way to go.
micromanaging myself helps me feel the security that i would feel surrendering my body, heart and mind to a D-type. it also allows me to hand a good amount of data about my day to day life to someone i might be considering to submit to. along the way i am making myself the best that i can be, for myself. because if i dont value me, who else will?
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
"Pain" Vs Sensation
How do we express pleasure at something that we have been conditioned to know as "pain"?
Let me first be clear. i do not identify as a masochist though, i probably am one by dictionary definition. it seems to be that a masochist is aware that the sensation they are experiencing is "pain" as opposed to "pleasure". i find that for myself, except in extreme cases, i feel these two sensations as the same. though on a sliding scale of intensity. "pleasure" being the less intense end and "pain" being at the more intense end. for myself, i think of actual "pain" as the point where the pleasure becomes too intense for me to cope with physically or mentally... or when something is uncomfortable or inconvenient. for example; when i stub my toe, its an annoyance and i say ow - however it does provoke a response in my body that would normally occur when experiencing pleasure.
the only thing i have experienced that does not fit this scale on any level are migraines. I have them chronicly and am on both preventative medication and analgesic medications for them. i find though that the intensity of these bouts are lessened when i have regular play dates.
as to my question above, i find that as the intensity of the sensation i am experiencing increases i am more likely to use conventional ways of emoting what i am feeling. i go from being quiet to moaning or whimpering to saying ow, stop and no. this is something that confuses me because when i say them, i do not mean those things in the slightest, it just seems my brain has no other way to react. its a practice i would like to stop. i feel this confusion of expression creates a confusion in general during a scene which i find distracting. there can be some fun in saying these words and play acting, however i would prefer that to be a conscious choice rather than a default dialog. perhaps i should start trying to say "bananas" instead of "ow", except that it could be perhaps confused for a safe word.
i do not at this point have an answer for this quandary though i hope to revisit it in future. i would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts and views on the topic.
Let me first be clear. i do not identify as a masochist though, i probably am one by dictionary definition. it seems to be that a masochist is aware that the sensation they are experiencing is "pain" as opposed to "pleasure". i find that for myself, except in extreme cases, i feel these two sensations as the same. though on a sliding scale of intensity. "pleasure" being the less intense end and "pain" being at the more intense end. for myself, i think of actual "pain" as the point where the pleasure becomes too intense for me to cope with physically or mentally... or when something is uncomfortable or inconvenient. for example; when i stub my toe, its an annoyance and i say ow - however it does provoke a response in my body that would normally occur when experiencing pleasure.
the only thing i have experienced that does not fit this scale on any level are migraines. I have them chronicly and am on both preventative medication and analgesic medications for them. i find though that the intensity of these bouts are lessened when i have regular play dates.
as to my question above, i find that as the intensity of the sensation i am experiencing increases i am more likely to use conventional ways of emoting what i am feeling. i go from being quiet to moaning or whimpering to saying ow, stop and no. this is something that confuses me because when i say them, i do not mean those things in the slightest, it just seems my brain has no other way to react. its a practice i would like to stop. i feel this confusion of expression creates a confusion in general during a scene which i find distracting. there can be some fun in saying these words and play acting, however i would prefer that to be a conscious choice rather than a default dialog. perhaps i should start trying to say "bananas" instead of "ow", except that it could be perhaps confused for a safe word.
i do not at this point have an answer for this quandary though i hope to revisit it in future. i would be interested in hearing other people's thoughts and views on the topic.
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