Sunday, 10 July 2011

Battlefields

i would like to preclude this post with a few comments. first, we All have our histories, our emotional baggage and our crosses to bear. as much as i would like to say that my history does not impact me today, it has greatly shaped me and i think that is worth acknowledging. being that this is a blog about me and my kink, i feel this is important ground to cover so that its easier to see where i have come from.



Two weeks before my 15th birthday, i was raped by my then boyfriend (K). Blessing or curse, due to a mental block, it’s not an experience that i remember much about. I remember the lead up and the aftermath.


i skipped class with K to visit a mate who hadn’t bothered with class that day. when we got there, she had popped out to the shops (or her dealer as the case may be) but left a note that the door was open and we should go in to wait. we did... and then we did what any teenage couple in that position would do, we made out. making out turned into heavy petting and then he wanted more. he was bigger and stronger than i was. he was on top. he had my reach by half a mile. i said stop, repeatedly. i squirmed to get away... and then... i remember seeing these two birds out the window, flying and wishing i was one of them... then suddenly i was back in the room. he was on the side of the bed telling me to clean myself up and put my clothes on.

i still get flashes of that day. i still have nightmares. what details i won't allow myself to remember, may brain uses great artistic license to recreate as it sees fit. the fact that it happened no longer bothers me. i've even gotten used to the nightmares for the most part, or at least i'm used to having them. every once in a while a particularly bad one comes along and upsets me. I don’t blame K. he just took advantage of a situation that i should have never allowed myself to be in. I take full responsibility for what happened To Me, In My Situation. i would never hold anyone else to that.

after i was raped, i dropped into a heavy depression and self-harmed. i was in complete denial that it happened at all at first. until that point, i had this theory that innocence couldn't be lost; it only needed to be maintained. but how could i maintain something that had so clearly been taken away from me? self harming allowed me for a time to numb the mental distress i was experiencing. i felt lost, alone and hopeless. it was during this period that i met T. at first he seemed kind and caring. he lived near me and seemed to sense i needed building up. at first he did just that. then he started to get sarcastic, then he started to put me down out right. when i objected or called him on it, he'd physically intimidate me. this escalated to hitting and worse. after he had coaxed me into sex, when we were alone at his - he started experimenting. he always listened to metallica when he did it.. sometimes he'd be drinking. i could say no all i wanted, but it never changed anything. though when i fought back, he'd make sure i regretted it. there are something i don’t remember as well as others. when he was "being nice" and going down on me, he would torture me with his teeth so bad that i still cant relax or enjoy anyone eating me out. he would bring me to the point of orgasm and then beat me when i did until i learned not to orgasm at all. sometimes he would loan me to his friends.but it was when he started putting things inside me that i knew i had to get out. it took time for me to build up the courage to leave. it was had because though i didn’t live with him, he was just down the street. once i did leave, i started to take tae kwon do classes to try and build up my confidence. i still look back on those days in awe; i don’t know how i was strong enough to do that. that man still terrifies me. every once in a while i'll have dreams that i'm back there. those nights are a thousand times worse than my normal nightmares. i'm so lucky that i ended up moving to Scotland. after i left, he kept threatening to hurt me, sometimes to kill me. i'd like to think that time has made him a better person, but i recently heard from a friend back home who says he's still seething over it.

these instances of abuse have been followed by some very destructive emotionally abusive relationships. all together, these events have greatly affected the way i view the world and the relationships i have with people. i still struggle to trust though and to form lasting relationships with people. it’s much easier for me to walk away from someone than it is for me to stay and work through difficulties. i find it difficult to express any real need or want to people, or to share all but the most surface emotions with them. I keep my friends at a distance. I rarely let them see more than one or two sides of my personality. The more they see the more risk I put myself at. to my mind, it is safer to stay as isolated as possible and to only seek companionship on a superficial level. i know this is a fallacy; however i find it very difficult to shake such a strong belief. But, at the end of the day - the Only person i know i can trust, is me.

while emotional closeness is very difficult for me, physical intimacy is easy - almost irrelevant. it means very little to me. while enjoyable, it is just that, enjoyable. nothing more, nothing less. there are no emotions attached. i view my body as more of a tool, something to be used (and abused) for my enjoyment, than as "me". i inhabit it but it is not what i am. i am careful with it, i would not treat any tool i owned poorly, but i am not overly protective of it.

i believe that while these events have perhaps shaped me in a "negative" way, they have also made me much stronger than i might have been otherwise. i'm not glad they happened, but i won’t wish they didn't. without them i wouldn't be me.

it’s strange; it has taken me almost a week to write this post. these events are something i can speak of with no real impact, but somehow writing them down makes them more real - painful again. sorry if it seems jumbled. it’s difficult to put the cloud of thoughts i've had into a linear essay that would be easy to follow.

we are all battlefields, marching along.

2 comments:

  1. I'm really sorry you have to go though that. That's some serious shit and I can't imagine how hard it must be, and how strong you must be. I hope you manage to deal with the remnants of those experiences so it bothers you the least possible. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just want to say I'm terribly sorry for what you have endured. Have you ever gone to a therapist. It might help you to deal with everything. Good luck in coping with all this.

    FD

    ReplyDelete