Timelines

I have spent the last three years focused on the long term. Doing what has been needed to position myself to begin a five year plan of study I never would have dreamed possible as a child. Even now, the actions I take daily have a great impact on the outcome of that plan and I am acutely aware of this. For the last three years I have isolated myself from the people, relationships and activities that may distract me. This has become such an inbuilt defence mechanism that it has become difficult to create any form of lasting friendship, let alone create the bonds that form the basis of a serious relationship. I have had this plan and hell or high water, it will happen. Too bad for those I need to step on, so sad for those who get in the way - fuck anyone who tries to stop me; even if it ends up being myself who suffers. Especially if it’s myself who suffers. I can survive being lonely and isolated; it will only feed my hunger for success. I want to feel objectified and uncared for, it will feed my isolation and forward my goals. It will allow me to view my body as only a tool to be used - for manipulation of myself and others. If I view myself this way, I can abuse myself as needed. Deny myself food or sleep. Push myself to or beyond my known endurance. It all creates a cycle that feeds back into itself. A negative but productive cycle. I have been working myself through this cycle since the breakup of my marriage in 2008. One could say that apart for my 10-5 year plan, my whole life for the last three years has been No Strings Attached. To anyone. To anything.

Something has happened recently that has made me re-evaluate my life. A few things really;

• Firstly, my great aunt died. She was someone I have always admired, who lived life on her own terms in an era when it wasn't always popular or easy to do so.
• Secondly, I found myself giving my father advice about living life in the now and for yourself and not for someone else. These events have caused me to be uncomfortable on some level with the way I have been living.
• Then, a couple weeks ago I discovered that my grandfather has Alzheimer's. This knowledge has really been a catalyst for some new thought processes.

My first instinct was to drop everything, pack up and go home to be there with him. I have been away for ten years now. i missed out the last ten years of my aunt’s life, thinking I’d have time to get to know her better later. That ‘later’ never came. The risk of making the same mistake with my grandfather eats away at me. my second thought was that my grandfather would not want me to abandon my studies for his sake. I then began to examine the knee-jerk reaction, to wonder why I would so easily turn my back on an endeavour that I had torn my world down to pursue. After a lot of consideration and examination of conditions, I have come to the conclusion that it’s the emotional connection that I have to my grandfather that I don’t have with my studies. Or really, with anything in my life here. (bar, perhaps, my cats, but I could take them anywhere with me. part of the reason I have them.) for the last three years, this connection is really something that I have lived without, happily (more or less), however the threat of losing this thin connection I have to someone I care for but rarely have a chance to speak to has made me wonder if maybe I am doing something wrong in avoiding creating those ties here.

I have enjoyed the ability to move in and out of social circles, to remain unaffected by those I encounter, to feel no regret at leaving – only a quiet excitement for the next adventure on the horizon. I have revelled in the freedom that has come with answering to no one but myself unless I have chosen for some short time to do otherwise. There is a sense of accomplishment from being self-contained. An odd amusement from being “in the world but not of it”. A person, a thing, apart from the general rules of society.

However, maybe those general rules are there for a reason. Maybe those interpersonal relationships I have avoided are more than a distraction. Perhaps they are as worthy of my time as the studies I pursue so eagerly, so single-mindedly. It is possible I have been doing myself a disservice by only allowing myself superficial societal links with the world around me. and yet, how can I allow myself such attachments when the plan has been for so long to leave as soon as I finished my Masters? Is it possible to have these associations while still keeping sight of my goals? Part of my end goal was to leave this place, what if these bonds change this desire? Does that make me weak?

At the same time that I have these questions rolling like lead marbles in my head, I am also faced with another conundrum. One that has been pestering me (and I have been studiously ignoring) for over a year now. I have a medical condition that makes me less capable of independence than I once was. It also forces me to work in smaller time scales as it can render me incapable of action for hours or days at a time. I can plan a week or a month like I once would, but I have to leave myself a lot more wiggle room and I have to be prepared for the possibility that very little may go according to plan. As such, I am capable of a far smaller workload than I once was and I cannot push myself as hard as I might like to or might once have. This condition has brought with it a lot of… emotions. Emotions that I am unused to and struggle to deal with. I have to ask for help a lot. I have to admit weakness, that perhaps I am not up to a given task at a given time. This… is scary. I am slowly adjusting but it poses a lot of incompatibilities with the way that I have been living my life (Which is why I mention it here). Is it possible to have this condition and still accomplish my studies, to earn my Masters? Is it possible to work on these smaller time scales and not lose sight of the big picture, my end goals? Will I be able to travel as widely as I had intended with this condition? Does this condition (technically a disability) make me weak?

Notice the similarities in my lead marbles?

I do not, at this point, have answers to any of these questions. All I have are a lot of confused thoughts and emotions, like a giant tangled up ball of yarn. As I slowly pull and tug on the strings to put everything into order, I will start to get a better idea of myself and what I want to do. Until then, I think, I shall try to be more open to possibilities. To people, to events, to connections. I don’t… I don’t really know how anymore, I don’t think, to let people in or trust them. I don’t know how to want to. or how to know who to put such faith in. maybe deciding to try is enough for now.

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
- Florence & The Machine