Grappling

I have been in and out of D&s relationships for years. i have been on scene, off scene and back on it again. i began as a lost little girl and now, after a lot of soul searching, i begin to wonder if i am something i always abhorred the idea of.

when i submit, when i give up that control to another, not within the confines of a a moment or a scene, i cannot fail to give up all of myself. even as i fight the process, i fight because for me there is no middle ground. i cannot conceive of a D&s where the D-type would not have fine say. even when it comes to a safe word, i may say it, but it would never occur to me to expect my D-type to automatically stop then. i will accept a lot of ill treatment from a D-type because i believe it is their right to do with me as they with. having experienced true abuse, i know it and will stand up for myself, however, i will not complain often about hurt feelings or petty things. at the end of the day, it doesn't seem important. it feels that being part of a D/s relationship - we're working towards something larger than that. something that those things would only detract from.

it is slowly dawning on me, that i consider myself my D-type's property. that i am in fact, not a submissive, but a slave. i need the M/s dynamic to thrive. i can survive otherwise and i can be happy. but to thrive and be Happy, i need that dynamic. the support, the control, the confines.

perhaps it is something i have always known somewhere in the back of my mind but never actively realized.