Battlefields

i would like to preclude this post with a few comments. first, we All have our histories, our emotional baggage and our crosses to bear. as much as i would like to say that my history does not impact me today, it has greatly shaped me and i think that is worth acknowledging. being that this is a blog about me and my kink, i feel this is important ground to cover so that its easier to see where i have come from.



Two weeks before my 15th birthday, i was raped by my then boyfriend (K). Blessing or curse, due to a mental block, it’s not an experience that i remember much about. I remember the lead up and the aftermath.


i skipped class with K to visit a mate who hadn’t bothered with class that day. when we got there, she had popped out to the shops (or her dealer as the case may be) but left a note that the door was open and we should go in to wait. we did... and then we did what any teenage couple in that position would do, we made out. making out turned into heavy petting and then he wanted more. he was bigger and stronger than i was. he was on top. he had my reach by half a mile. i said stop, repeatedly. i squirmed to get away... and then... i remember seeing these two birds out the window, flying and wishing i was one of them... then suddenly i was back in the room. he was on the side of the bed telling me to clean myself up and put my clothes on.

i still get flashes of that day. i still have nightmares. what details i won't allow myself to remember, may brain uses great artistic license to recreate as it sees fit. the fact that it happened no longer bothers me. i've even gotten used to the nightmares for the most part, or at least i'm used to having them. every once in a while a particularly bad one comes along and upsets me. I don’t blame K. he just took advantage of a situation that i should have never allowed myself to be in. I take full responsibility for what happened To Me, In My Situation. i would never hold anyone else to that.

after i was raped, i dropped into a heavy depression and self-harmed. i was in complete denial that it happened at all at first. until that point, i had this theory that innocence couldn't be lost; it only needed to be maintained. but how could i maintain something that had so clearly been taken away from me? self harming allowed me for a time to numb the mental distress i was experiencing. i felt lost, alone and hopeless. it was during this period that i met T. at first he seemed kind and caring. he lived near me and seemed to sense i needed building up. at first he did just that. then he started to get sarcastic, then he started to put me down out right. when i objected or called him on it, he'd physically intimidate me. this escalated to hitting and worse. after he had coaxed me into sex, when we were alone at his - he started experimenting. he always listened to metallica when he did it.. sometimes he'd be drinking. i could say no all i wanted, but it never changed anything. though when i fought back, he'd make sure i regretted it. there are something i don’t remember as well as others. when he was "being nice" and going down on me, he would torture me with his teeth so bad that i still cant relax or enjoy anyone eating me out. he would bring me to the point of orgasm and then beat me when i did until i learned not to orgasm at all. sometimes he would loan me to his friends.but it was when he started putting things inside me that i knew i had to get out. it took time for me to build up the courage to leave. it was had because though i didn’t live with him, he was just down the street. once i did leave, i started to take tae kwon do classes to try and build up my confidence. i still look back on those days in awe; i don’t know how i was strong enough to do that. that man still terrifies me. every once in a while i'll have dreams that i'm back there. those nights are a thousand times worse than my normal nightmares. i'm so lucky that i ended up moving to Scotland. after i left, he kept threatening to hurt me, sometimes to kill me. i'd like to think that time has made him a better person, but i recently heard from a friend back home who says he's still seething over it.

these instances of abuse have been followed by some very destructive emotionally abusive relationships. all together, these events have greatly affected the way i view the world and the relationships i have with people. i still struggle to trust though and to form lasting relationships with people. it’s much easier for me to walk away from someone than it is for me to stay and work through difficulties. i find it difficult to express any real need or want to people, or to share all but the most surface emotions with them. I keep my friends at a distance. I rarely let them see more than one or two sides of my personality. The more they see the more risk I put myself at. to my mind, it is safer to stay as isolated as possible and to only seek companionship on a superficial level. i know this is a fallacy; however i find it very difficult to shake such a strong belief. But, at the end of the day - the Only person i know i can trust, is me.

while emotional closeness is very difficult for me, physical intimacy is easy - almost irrelevant. it means very little to me. while enjoyable, it is just that, enjoyable. nothing more, nothing less. there are no emotions attached. i view my body as more of a tool, something to be used (and abused) for my enjoyment, than as "me". i inhabit it but it is not what i am. i am careful with it, i would not treat any tool i owned poorly, but i am not overly protective of it.

i believe that while these events have perhaps shaped me in a "negative" way, they have also made me much stronger than i might have been otherwise. i'm not glad they happened, but i won’t wish they didn't. without them i wouldn't be me.

it’s strange; it has taken me almost a week to write this post. these events are something i can speak of with no real impact, but somehow writing them down makes them more real - painful again. sorry if it seems jumbled. it’s difficult to put the cloud of thoughts i've had into a linear essay that would be easy to follow.

we are all battlefields, marching along.

Self Mastery

i find that when living without a dominate to guide me, i must in some ways, be my own dominate. my own Master. perhaps this is why at times i have been mistaken for a switch (or more baffling, a Domme).

when not in a stable and active D/s (or M/s) relationship i need to create my own rules, my own punishments and my own rewards. without this, i am lost and unsure of myself constantly.

for me, this starts with a set of alarms which schedule my waking time, bedtime and the times at which i take my medication - this ensures i get 8 hours of sleep a night, that i dont waste time sleeping in and that i take my medication on-time. from there, i have a set of rules governing how, when and what i can eat. i have problems surrounding my food intake when i am stressed so this is in some ways to ensure i do eat as much as it is to ensure i eat the right things. there is always a deficit of calories as i find the mild hunger helps to control the need for pain that i have on a daily basis. then i look at my levels of physical activities. when not with someone who prefers a less intensive schedule, i will be in the gym for at least an hour and a half Monday to Friday. life permitting, i try to get in an hour of hard swimming and an hour of jogging in at the weekends. the exercise is good because it also aids in satisfying my daily needs for pain if i push myself hard enough. after that, its 3 hours of studying / class work a day, with a break on Saturday but an extra hour on Sunday. an other time i have is devoted to house work before i look at spending time with my friends or other hobbies. i try to make sure that any hobbies i do engage in are educational or add value to myself in some way.

i think that its important for me to continually try to improve myself with education, awareness of current affairs, an active life style and the study of arts. sometimes this is something like watching an opera or reading about the underlying issues surrounding current world conflicts. other times it can be simply learning a way of doing something i do on a daily basis better. i very much subscribe that anything worth doing is worth doing in an ascetically pleasing manner.

to manage my time and ensure i work efficiently, i use my phone and pc to manage my time. i use outlook to create daily to-do lists and use the calendar to account for my time. its good because i can account for myself for months at a time when i use this technique. i also track my periods, migraines and moods with this calander. so, while it is Always very full (sometimes confusingly so) it is also incredibly informative.

along side the above, i am almost constantly listening to music, which generally can be very telling of my mood since i tend to listen to what matches how i'm feeling. other times, i use it to change my mood or to make myself face something. for example, since Saturday i have been making myself listen to music that reminds me of the people i just left. it hurts, but the more i listen to it, the more i desensitize myself to the pain of their loss. its helping already, but i've a long way to go.

micromanaging myself helps me feel the security that i would feel surrendering my body, heart and mind to a D-type. it also allows me to hand a good amount of data about my day to day life to someone i might be considering to submit to. along the way i am making myself the best that i can be, for myself. because if i dont value me, who else will?