A Year Later

The way fate deals our hands is an odd thing. We smile at the dealer, watching the other players and pick that hand up. What makes us choose to throw cards back and draw a few more or stick with what we're already dealt is a mixture of experience and gut instinct. I have redrawn my cards more times than I care to admit. Sometimes it was for the better and sometimes.. well, sometimes you throw the baby out with the bath water.

Making those decisions are hard. Its never as clear cut as we'd like and often I've found myself kicking my ass years later. No regrets is a lot easier said than done. Its hard to know when fighting for what you love turns into beating a dead horse - or to see clearly when leaving a difficult situation is simply running away. The important thing, is to walk or limp away from each experience having learned more of yourself and the world around you. If you manage that, you never really loose - even when it still feels like you did years later.

I have never been a woman to sit idley by, watching. Neither have I been one to stand still when action is called for. For right or wrong, the fear of misstepping has rarely immobilized me but egged me on to better myself. I find those who lack this quality confusing. Certainly there are times that require thought or deliberation before action - but inaction is anathema to my personality. I also find those immobilized by their fear difficult to follow, to serve and to obey. My drive pushes me forward and if i do not have a D-type with a similar drive, or one who can understand and harness that drive.. I find that I quickly begin to top from the bottom without intending to.

I try very hard in my current relationship not to do this and right now, we're taking a break from the d/s dynamic to work on us. Its difficult and I wish it weren't an issue but I believe this relationship is worth the effort. Without the d/s dynamic, I find myself in charge, nagging, demanding... it exhausts me but, without someone pushing back or dominating me - I don't know how to stop, how to let go. My depression is acting up again and it all begins to pile on top of me. Perhaps that's what it is - without a top, I have to become a top to make myself able to deal with things on a day to day basis but once it starts, I never know when to let myself stop. I'm afraid of where I'll take myself if I have that mindset again. I become very cold and self isolating.. very distant from the people around me. Its a mental state I'd rather avoid. Yet, without it I am struggling for motivation.

I feel somewhat adrift.