There has been building works going on near my flat for almost the last two weeks. This has caused my migraine disorder to wig out. I've been in intense pain for days. I've also had trouble sleeping, due to the pain as well as my cats. They've been greatly distressed by the noise and vibrations of the work - they don't know whether they're coming or going and have been up all hours of the night. I'm physically and mentally exhausted.
As the time has gone on, I've been more aware of an increasing pressure to return to uni. I know I'm behind on so much work and I've missed so much class - I'm terrified of how this will affect my grades as well as my relationships with my fellow students and my lecturers.
At the same time, I am preparing to say good bye to my father. He is returning to America in the next few weeks, for good. Logically I know that this is for the best, he needs to be there to support our family and for his own mental health. He's been very unhappy here for so long. At the same time though, I feel as if I'm losing something. I will miss him dearly. It will be so scary to stay here without him. While I am sure of my ability to live my own life, I will greatly miss biz support and guidance. My father has always been one of my best friends and this will be the first time since I was 13 that I will be so far from him. Maybe indefinitely. Its harder to face emotionally than I had anticipated. I will still have friends and family ( the kind you choose) here but it seems Scotland will be a dimmer place without him. As much as he drives me nuts sometimes. It will take a while for me to get used to being unable to just go to his house to bug him.
I had two panic attacks last night. Thought, apart from them, I did sleep and without the noise I feel somewhat rested. I spoke to a uni advisor today. He will contact the lecturing staff on my behalf and assuming no further complications - I will be returning to class tomorrow.
I have a feeling that the melancholy that has set in will last for some time.
Wednesday, 17 October 2012
Monday, 15 October 2012
Fear
We have not engaged in bdsm activities in a while. A long while. I would say that while we started our relationship based on attraction, mutual interests and a common need for bdsm "play" (I hate that term), we have been unable to indulge more than light kink during sex for some time. There are a number of reasons for this;
I confess that while I am happy to listen and talk and do my best to help him. It does little to assuage my own fears. Of which I have many. I fear that I am not what he wants, but what's convenient, that my style of "play" is not what he likes, that my need to submit is not as strong as his need to command, that I will or already have fucked this up or that I am simply not worth the effort in his eyes. I know they're only insecurities.. but they haunt me all the same. I don't even know how to voice my fears to him without him feeling "at fault". I don't care so much who is at fault, I am more worried about fixing the problem. I know there is no quick fix as such, but how do you know when your back on the right path again?
I need so much to feel that possession again, that control.
- Illness
- Lack of privacy
- Stress
- Life
I confess that while I am happy to listen and talk and do my best to help him. It does little to assuage my own fears. Of which I have many. I fear that I am not what he wants, but what's convenient, that my style of "play" is not what he likes, that my need to submit is not as strong as his need to command, that I will or already have fucked this up or that I am simply not worth the effort in his eyes. I know they're only insecurities.. but they haunt me all the same. I don't even know how to voice my fears to him without him feeling "at fault". I don't care so much who is at fault, I am more worried about fixing the problem. I know there is no quick fix as such, but how do you know when your back on the right path again?
I need so much to feel that possession again, that control.
A Year Later
The way fate deals our hands is an odd thing. We smile at the dealer, watching the other players and pick that hand up. What makes us choose to throw cards back and draw a few more or stick with what we're already dealt is a mixture of experience and gut instinct. I have redrawn my cards more times than I care to admit. Sometimes it was for the better and sometimes.. well, sometimes you throw the baby out with the bath water.
Making those decisions are hard. Its never as clear cut as we'd like and often I've found myself kicking my ass years later. No regrets is a lot easier said than done. Its hard to know when fighting for what you love turns into beating a dead horse - or to see clearly when leaving a difficult situation is simply running away. The important thing, is to walk or limp away from each experience having learned more of yourself and the world around you. If you manage that, you never really loose - even when it still feels like you did years later.
I have never been a woman to sit idley by, watching. Neither have I been one to stand still when action is called for. For right or wrong, the fear of misstepping has rarely immobilized me but egged me on to better myself. I find those who lack this quality confusing. Certainly there are times that require thought or deliberation before action - but inaction is anathema to my personality. I also find those immobilized by their fear difficult to follow, to serve and to obey. My drive pushes me forward and if i do not have a D-type with a similar drive, or one who can understand and harness that drive.. I find that I quickly begin to top from the bottom without intending to.
I try very hard in my current relationship not to do this and right now, we're taking a break from the d/s dynamic to work on us. Its difficult and I wish it weren't an issue but I believe this relationship is worth the effort. Without the d/s dynamic, I find myself in charge, nagging, demanding... it exhausts me but, without someone pushing back or dominating me - I don't know how to stop, how to let go. My depression is acting up again and it all begins to pile on top of me. Perhaps that's what it is - without a top, I have to become a top to make myself able to deal with things on a day to day basis but once it starts, I never know when to let myself stop. I'm afraid of where I'll take myself if I have that mindset again. I become very cold and self isolating.. very distant from the people around me. Its a mental state I'd rather avoid. Yet, without it I am struggling for motivation.
I feel somewhat adrift.
Making those decisions are hard. Its never as clear cut as we'd like and often I've found myself kicking my ass years later. No regrets is a lot easier said than done. Its hard to know when fighting for what you love turns into beating a dead horse - or to see clearly when leaving a difficult situation is simply running away. The important thing, is to walk or limp away from each experience having learned more of yourself and the world around you. If you manage that, you never really loose - even when it still feels like you did years later.
I have never been a woman to sit idley by, watching. Neither have I been one to stand still when action is called for. For right or wrong, the fear of misstepping has rarely immobilized me but egged me on to better myself. I find those who lack this quality confusing. Certainly there are times that require thought or deliberation before action - but inaction is anathema to my personality. I also find those immobilized by their fear difficult to follow, to serve and to obey. My drive pushes me forward and if i do not have a D-type with a similar drive, or one who can understand and harness that drive.. I find that I quickly begin to top from the bottom without intending to.
I try very hard in my current relationship not to do this and right now, we're taking a break from the d/s dynamic to work on us. Its difficult and I wish it weren't an issue but I believe this relationship is worth the effort. Without the d/s dynamic, I find myself in charge, nagging, demanding... it exhausts me but, without someone pushing back or dominating me - I don't know how to stop, how to let go. My depression is acting up again and it all begins to pile on top of me. Perhaps that's what it is - without a top, I have to become a top to make myself able to deal with things on a day to day basis but once it starts, I never know when to let myself stop. I'm afraid of where I'll take myself if I have that mindset again. I become very cold and self isolating.. very distant from the people around me. Its a mental state I'd rather avoid. Yet, without it I am struggling for motivation.
I feel somewhat adrift.
Monday, 12 March 2012
Trust
I find trust a difficult thing. Many life lessons have taught me never to trust the people around you, especially those who profess to be your friends. I even limit the trust I give to those I consider to be family, through blood or some other bond as equally abetrary. At times I even find it difficult to trust myself as it seems my ambition has no real regard for my sense of personal happiness.
While normally I am an all or nothing type of person, I view trust differently. I view it in layers and while I might trust someone not to steal my pint, it doesn't mean I'd trust them with my home address. I tend to keep those I call friends at a healthy distance. I share some details of my life with them, perhaps sharing indepth information surrounding a topic of shared interest, while leaving other areas of my life completely unspoken for. This limits any damage they could do in future, should they betray what trust I have extended to them. I am a little more free with my details when speaking with long distance online friends, however in these cases I keep my location al details vauge and only ever go by an assumed identity. But then, I come from a time when the internet was cool because no one knew who you were.
While I do have friends that i have known for years, I see them only infrequently and I trust them no more than I would trust any other at that level of trust. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
This makes it very easy for me to make friends but at the same time, it makes it very easy for me to also discard them. Not to be malicious, but because I simply find I cannot build trust with a person, even on a superficial level. It seems more that what I call friends, are what other people call aquaintences.
Really, my friends, the people I open up to and depend on, are my lovers. Perhaps that is part of the reason I lean so heavily towards poly. For me to feel comfortable pulling back the veil I need to be emotionally involved with someone and with my issues surrounding trust, I cannot be emotionally invested with the people I hang out with while still expecting they will break that trust. That seems to have some ring of truth to it.
This trust structure does pose problems. I often feel isolated and I rarely feel I have someone to talk to about problems that I'm having. Should i lose a lover for whatever reason, i also lose a close friend. Perhaps the only one i have at the time. However, I like spending time by myself and it reinforces self-relience. I'm more capable than I realize when I'm having such moments of weakness. Also, so far, its been nice to have to freedom to move on when i think its time. Not to feel tied down by emotional connections. Though, I do perhaps wonder what it would be like to have them.
Right now, I don't really need to wonder, actually. I am in a relationship that ( without going into details here) has several built in. This ties my partner and thus myself, to the local area, where as previously I had been preparing myself for employment on a global arena. The ambitious super-ego, she fumes. The ego, she is of two minds about the situation and is busy with new logistics planning. the id, she doesn't care so long as well, so long as the needs for pain and control are dealt with. Though she is rather partial to him. So, I guess the answer to my question is conflicted. Though really I try not to think about it. I figure its a we'll-cross-that-bridge-when-we-come-to-it situation. Oddly, that's a pretty big trust I'm extending him.
Actually, I trust him a lot. He worked hard to earn it. I would say i trust him almost implicitly. I say almost because the instinct to pull back, to keep things to myself, to disbelieve him is still there. Those are still my first reactions almost every time but after that knee jerk reaction, I make myself relax, I make myself tell him what I wanted to keep quiet, I try to absorb his words. Trust is a process. Every time we go through that process, it gets a little easier and the distrust becomes a little less instinctive.
Physical obedience is easy. The emotional obedience is a lot harder.
While normally I am an all or nothing type of person, I view trust differently. I view it in layers and while I might trust someone not to steal my pint, it doesn't mean I'd trust them with my home address. I tend to keep those I call friends at a healthy distance. I share some details of my life with them, perhaps sharing indepth information surrounding a topic of shared interest, while leaving other areas of my life completely unspoken for. This limits any damage they could do in future, should they betray what trust I have extended to them. I am a little more free with my details when speaking with long distance online friends, however in these cases I keep my location al details vauge and only ever go by an assumed identity. But then, I come from a time when the internet was cool because no one knew who you were.
While I do have friends that i have known for years, I see them only infrequently and I trust them no more than I would trust any other at that level of trust. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
This makes it very easy for me to make friends but at the same time, it makes it very easy for me to also discard them. Not to be malicious, but because I simply find I cannot build trust with a person, even on a superficial level. It seems more that what I call friends, are what other people call aquaintences.
Really, my friends, the people I open up to and depend on, are my lovers. Perhaps that is part of the reason I lean so heavily towards poly. For me to feel comfortable pulling back the veil I need to be emotionally involved with someone and with my issues surrounding trust, I cannot be emotionally invested with the people I hang out with while still expecting they will break that trust. That seems to have some ring of truth to it.
This trust structure does pose problems. I often feel isolated and I rarely feel I have someone to talk to about problems that I'm having. Should i lose a lover for whatever reason, i also lose a close friend. Perhaps the only one i have at the time. However, I like spending time by myself and it reinforces self-relience. I'm more capable than I realize when I'm having such moments of weakness. Also, so far, its been nice to have to freedom to move on when i think its time. Not to feel tied down by emotional connections. Though, I do perhaps wonder what it would be like to have them.
Right now, I don't really need to wonder, actually. I am in a relationship that ( without going into details here) has several built in. This ties my partner and thus myself, to the local area, where as previously I had been preparing myself for employment on a global arena. The ambitious super-ego, she fumes. The ego, she is of two minds about the situation and is busy with new logistics planning. the id, she doesn't care so long as well, so long as the needs for pain and control are dealt with. Though she is rather partial to him. So, I guess the answer to my question is conflicted. Though really I try not to think about it. I figure its a we'll-cross-that-bridge-when-we-come-to-it situation. Oddly, that's a pretty big trust I'm extending him.
Actually, I trust him a lot. He worked hard to earn it. I would say i trust him almost implicitly. I say almost because the instinct to pull back, to keep things to myself, to disbelieve him is still there. Those are still my first reactions almost every time but after that knee jerk reaction, I make myself relax, I make myself tell him what I wanted to keep quiet, I try to absorb his words. Trust is a process. Every time we go through that process, it gets a little easier and the distrust becomes a little less instinctive.
Physical obedience is easy. The emotional obedience is a lot harder.
Sunday, 11 March 2012
A Ramble on Stress
In times of great stress, I feel the need for submission more keenly. Well, perhaps 'submission' is the wrong term. What I feel the need for is control. I need to feel my owner's control more keenly or my own "inner-dom" kicks in to try and provide the feelings of control that i am not getting externally. This can be quite distructive to a relationship as my "inner-dom" has some pretty specific views on how I should be behaving and structuring my life. As none of those views involve a partner, I end up under further stress as i try to justify to my super-ego why I am allowing such a "distraction" in my life.
This voice will ocassionally rear its ugly head and cause me to resist (and perhaps resent) my enslavement. Using any tactics it can, it will attempt to "set me back on track" as it were and push me away from my loved one. This happens in 'nilla or kink relationships. I find that kink relationships work better as being owned makes it harder to "Just leave". It also makes an end goal of internal enslavement realistic.
I would like someday, to silence this voice. I think it is ultimately a distructive voice as much as it is able to get things done in the short term. The way in which it goes about it is always negative and harmful in some way. I think that this is why I fight it so often and so hard.
It is a voice I am stuggling a lot with just now. There has been a whole series of stressful events that have left me feeling very out of sorts and my super-ego has jumped in to rescue me. Dealing with it all is leaving me warn out and very, very tired. I know that if i just stop arguing - if i did as i was told, it would all be OK.... but I would loose so much. I've been that person before. I don't think its worth going back. I don't think its worth not feeling again. Better to fight on... and wait it out.
I suppose I am rambling here. For that i am sorry. I needed to vent and to let go of these frustrations. I think that when we are stressed it can almost feel like as well as battling to deal with the cause of the stress, we are battling to remain ourselves while doing so. This is what I am trying to document and express. For those of us in D/s or M/s relationships... there is also the drive to be available to serve. Juggling these conflicting needs is not easy and not something I am succeding at just now apparently. This is something I need to work on. Luckily, it appears that my stressful situation will be going on for some time, so i shall have plenty of time to practice.
This voice will ocassionally rear its ugly head and cause me to resist (and perhaps resent) my enslavement. Using any tactics it can, it will attempt to "set me back on track" as it were and push me away from my loved one. This happens in 'nilla or kink relationships. I find that kink relationships work better as being owned makes it harder to "Just leave". It also makes an end goal of internal enslavement realistic.
I would like someday, to silence this voice. I think it is ultimately a distructive voice as much as it is able to get things done in the short term. The way in which it goes about it is always negative and harmful in some way. I think that this is why I fight it so often and so hard.
It is a voice I am stuggling a lot with just now. There has been a whole series of stressful events that have left me feeling very out of sorts and my super-ego has jumped in to rescue me. Dealing with it all is leaving me warn out and very, very tired. I know that if i just stop arguing - if i did as i was told, it would all be OK.... but I would loose so much. I've been that person before. I don't think its worth going back. I don't think its worth not feeling again. Better to fight on... and wait it out.
I suppose I am rambling here. For that i am sorry. I needed to vent and to let go of these frustrations. I think that when we are stressed it can almost feel like as well as battling to deal with the cause of the stress, we are battling to remain ourselves while doing so. This is what I am trying to document and express. For those of us in D/s or M/s relationships... there is also the drive to be available to serve. Juggling these conflicting needs is not easy and not something I am succeding at just now apparently. This is something I need to work on. Luckily, it appears that my stressful situation will be going on for some time, so i shall have plenty of time to practice.
Sunday, 12 February 2012
Catch 22
for me, reality is subjective.
science shows that each persons experience of the world is unique. Colored by their previous experiences and their outlook/opinions.
my faith takes this a step further and tells me that belief creates reality. I visulize, I think positively, I "create" the opotunities I want to have in my life.
as an extention of this - I lie. Its not something I particularly see as a bad thing. I generally don't do it in a malicious manner. I just don't think that 'objective' truth is as nessicery as some people do. For example, does the nurse really need to know that I was late to my appointment this morning because I wanted a quicky with my partner or would saying my taxi got stuck in traffic suffice? Life is complicated, I don't like to share a lot of my personal details with the many people I come into contact with during the day. It can be far easier to give relatively non personal details that keep conversation pleasent rather then cold and unwilling to talk.
but then, that is only one way to use a lie. I also lie to myself. When faced with a tough lecture or a boring class, I tell myself it will be fun or interesting. I tell myself constantly that my university can't possibly be as unorganizd as they appear and that things Will get better. When I feel my stomach drop, my palms go cold and my gorge rise - I tell myself I'm not having a panic attack. In fact, at that point I might even begin to bully myself as well as lie.
there are occasions as well, that I lie to those I am close to. No one in my family knows that I'm into bdsm or that I'm poly. For most of my life, my mother didn't know that I was bi. I only told her a couple of years ago now, and really, I wish I hadn't. Its a truth that seems to have done her far more damage than the lie was doing to me.
He has recently given me a new rule. I cannot lie to him. Not that I do so intentionally. This includes half-lies, part-truths, bending the truth and lies of ommision. Apparently I'm not even allowed to call upon the 5th amendment for a little grace.
obviously, this makes a great change from the way I normally live my life. I have to be fully honest with a man when Im rarely even fully honest with myself. In fact, I probably lie to myself the most often. I am finding it a difficult task. Talking myself into believing something as part of my reality has long been a coping mechinism and to some degree, my new requirement to be honest with him is taking away my ability to use this trick on myself. I'm a coping mechanism down. Telling myself that everything is gonna be ok when it obviously isn't no longer works because his requirement has rooted me in his reality.
this is OK when he is there to replace that tool. However, there have been a couple of occasions now where he hasn't been and yet, he has been in contact enough to know that something is off. I get nervous in crowds. Especially when its late at night and most of the city is drunk. I normally use music to create a barrier between myself and the world. If I can't hear it, it doesn't exist - a great lie. Last night, I was caught in the city centre, alone, with no music. The only tool I had at this point was changing my perception of the situation. I Could Not change the fact that were going on around me. However, I could lie to myself and tell myself that the reaction I was having to them was false and as such unimportant. This is an oversimplification of the process. You can't just tear a piece of fabric apart with your hands. However, once you find one strand of thread to pick at, then another and another... you can slowly change things, pushing towards the wanted goal. Yeah, I feel small and emotionally beaten at the end - but I get home without having a panic attack. On the way home, He called. He could tell I was off and tried to get me to tell him what was up. This put me in a catch 22. He wanted to pull me back into his reality, meaning I would have probably had a panic attack in very short order... however, not telling him would leave me in violation of my rules.
lying is an odd thing, its done in many ways for many reasons. I think I lie most often to protect myself. Honesty can be brutal and unforgiving. I worry that this writing gives the impression that I live in some fantasy world.this is certainly not the case, though I suppose some may argue. Perhaps what I'm trying to say is that I have been I the habit for so long of using lies (often hurtful ones) to get the best performance from myself, that in this - doing things his way is going to take a lot of getting used to. I'm not sure its something that he really understands yet.
the emotional honesty he asks for is difficult in other ways. I find it so hard to share those parts of myself. There is a part of me that waits with bated breath for this all to go to hell. Like everything that has come before simply so it can say it was right... right about him, but mostly right about me. That I -am- everything on that list of ugly adjectives and that any hope I have is futile and any happiness is fleeting. That each revelation I make to him is going to make him realize him a mess he doesn't want to clean up. I've been having a pretty strong drepressive swing this week. I do not think I would otherwise speak of this particular vulnerability - this fear. However, it does put me in mind of a Hunter S Thompson quote;
"Never turn your back on fear. It should always be in front of you, like a thing that might have to be killed."
Thompson prefaces this by saying "I understand that fear is my friend, but not always."... I'm not sure I would agree with that part of the quote. Fear holds us back, it paralyses us and clouds our thought. Those are not the actions of a 'friend'. When I find myself confronting a fear, I will force myself to interact with it until I have killed the response. And so, despite my fears... because of them - I post this.
i fear the day that I am found wanting. Discovered to be the imposter i am. I fear the transparency that emotional honesty will allow. That I will be found of be shallow, hollow - the nothing I have always suspected.. I have always known, at my core, that I truely am. I fear that I am fooling myself by believing I could be what he wants, no matter the words he says.
these are fears so ingrained, so much a part of me, that I do not know how to hunt them down and kill them. Really, these fears are not even specific to him, though they affect our relationship. These are fears I have known so long, have become so comfortable with, that they seem like friends. Even though logically, I know they cannot be. They stop me from communicating effectively with him. I always hold back, feeling that being fully honest about my emotions would be a burden upon him. Fearing that the honesty would push him away. That I would be seen as difficult.
and yet, I know that in not giving him the honesty he asks for, I am not complying with his desires, I am refusing to submit. Not because it is not what I want, but because I fear it is not what he wants - that I am just could not be. I either fight myself or him. Another Catch 22.
in both cases, I either fight myself or him. That is the Catch 22 at its most base element. It seems an obvious choice. Looking at it now, it seems stupid I would even give it a second thought. Where he leads, I follow. But it is easier said than done and right now I am faltering. It seems simple to say Stop, but I'm greatly struggling with the -how- of doing that. I suppose this post is the first step.
science shows that each persons experience of the world is unique. Colored by their previous experiences and their outlook/opinions.
my faith takes this a step further and tells me that belief creates reality. I visulize, I think positively, I "create" the opotunities I want to have in my life.
as an extention of this - I lie. Its not something I particularly see as a bad thing. I generally don't do it in a malicious manner. I just don't think that 'objective' truth is as nessicery as some people do. For example, does the nurse really need to know that I was late to my appointment this morning because I wanted a quicky with my partner or would saying my taxi got stuck in traffic suffice? Life is complicated, I don't like to share a lot of my personal details with the many people I come into contact with during the day. It can be far easier to give relatively non personal details that keep conversation pleasent rather then cold and unwilling to talk.
but then, that is only one way to use a lie. I also lie to myself. When faced with a tough lecture or a boring class, I tell myself it will be fun or interesting. I tell myself constantly that my university can't possibly be as unorganizd as they appear and that things Will get better. When I feel my stomach drop, my palms go cold and my gorge rise - I tell myself I'm not having a panic attack. In fact, at that point I might even begin to bully myself as well as lie.
there are occasions as well, that I lie to those I am close to. No one in my family knows that I'm into bdsm or that I'm poly. For most of my life, my mother didn't know that I was bi. I only told her a couple of years ago now, and really, I wish I hadn't. Its a truth that seems to have done her far more damage than the lie was doing to me.
He has recently given me a new rule. I cannot lie to him. Not that I do so intentionally. This includes half-lies, part-truths, bending the truth and lies of ommision. Apparently I'm not even allowed to call upon the 5th amendment for a little grace.
obviously, this makes a great change from the way I normally live my life. I have to be fully honest with a man when Im rarely even fully honest with myself. In fact, I probably lie to myself the most often. I am finding it a difficult task. Talking myself into believing something as part of my reality has long been a coping mechinism and to some degree, my new requirement to be honest with him is taking away my ability to use this trick on myself. I'm a coping mechanism down. Telling myself that everything is gonna be ok when it obviously isn't no longer works because his requirement has rooted me in his reality.
this is OK when he is there to replace that tool. However, there have been a couple of occasions now where he hasn't been and yet, he has been in contact enough to know that something is off. I get nervous in crowds. Especially when its late at night and most of the city is drunk. I normally use music to create a barrier between myself and the world. If I can't hear it, it doesn't exist - a great lie. Last night, I was caught in the city centre, alone, with no music. The only tool I had at this point was changing my perception of the situation. I Could Not change the fact that were going on around me. However, I could lie to myself and tell myself that the reaction I was having to them was false and as such unimportant. This is an oversimplification of the process. You can't just tear a piece of fabric apart with your hands. However, once you find one strand of thread to pick at, then another and another... you can slowly change things, pushing towards the wanted goal. Yeah, I feel small and emotionally beaten at the end - but I get home without having a panic attack. On the way home, He called. He could tell I was off and tried to get me to tell him what was up. This put me in a catch 22. He wanted to pull me back into his reality, meaning I would have probably had a panic attack in very short order... however, not telling him would leave me in violation of my rules.
lying is an odd thing, its done in many ways for many reasons. I think I lie most often to protect myself. Honesty can be brutal and unforgiving. I worry that this writing gives the impression that I live in some fantasy world.this is certainly not the case, though I suppose some may argue. Perhaps what I'm trying to say is that I have been I the habit for so long of using lies (often hurtful ones) to get the best performance from myself, that in this - doing things his way is going to take a lot of getting used to. I'm not sure its something that he really understands yet.
the emotional honesty he asks for is difficult in other ways. I find it so hard to share those parts of myself. There is a part of me that waits with bated breath for this all to go to hell. Like everything that has come before simply so it can say it was right... right about him, but mostly right about me. That I -am- everything on that list of ugly adjectives and that any hope I have is futile and any happiness is fleeting. That each revelation I make to him is going to make him realize him a mess he doesn't want to clean up. I've been having a pretty strong drepressive swing this week. I do not think I would otherwise speak of this particular vulnerability - this fear. However, it does put me in mind of a Hunter S Thompson quote;
"Never turn your back on fear. It should always be in front of you, like a thing that might have to be killed."
Thompson prefaces this by saying "I understand that fear is my friend, but not always."... I'm not sure I would agree with that part of the quote. Fear holds us back, it paralyses us and clouds our thought. Those are not the actions of a 'friend'. When I find myself confronting a fear, I will force myself to interact with it until I have killed the response. And so, despite my fears... because of them - I post this.
i fear the day that I am found wanting. Discovered to be the imposter i am. I fear the transparency that emotional honesty will allow. That I will be found of be shallow, hollow - the nothing I have always suspected.. I have always known, at my core, that I truely am. I fear that I am fooling myself by believing I could be what he wants, no matter the words he says.
these are fears so ingrained, so much a part of me, that I do not know how to hunt them down and kill them. Really, these fears are not even specific to him, though they affect our relationship. These are fears I have known so long, have become so comfortable with, that they seem like friends. Even though logically, I know they cannot be. They stop me from communicating effectively with him. I always hold back, feeling that being fully honest about my emotions would be a burden upon him. Fearing that the honesty would push him away. That I would be seen as difficult.
and yet, I know that in not giving him the honesty he asks for, I am not complying with his desires, I am refusing to submit. Not because it is not what I want, but because I fear it is not what he wants - that I am just could not be. I either fight myself or him. Another Catch 22.
in both cases, I either fight myself or him. That is the Catch 22 at its most base element. It seems an obvious choice. Looking at it now, it seems stupid I would even give it a second thought. Where he leads, I follow. But it is easier said than done and right now I am faltering. It seems simple to say Stop, but I'm greatly struggling with the -how- of doing that. I suppose this post is the first step.
Monday, 30 January 2012
No One Likes Feeling Used
The relationship ended last June. Abruptly. It was meant to be a break. But days stretched into weeks and weeks stretched into months. I had to accept the obvious. With no answers. No closure. No idea what I’d done wrong. No idea what I had done to deserve being cast aside like so much used garbage by the people I loved. People I had for almost a year built my life around.
It’s a wound that until now I had not spoken of.
I am good at taking emotions and experiences and putting them in boxes. I will allow myself what time I believe is acceptable to mourn and then I will box up what is left – put it on a shelf and leave it there. This is such an experience. We have all been though them. I had accepted that I would never know what happened. Accepted my mistakes. That I trusted the wrong people. I allowed them far too much control. I allowed them to push emotional limits that I simply was not ready for. There a lot of reasons I let these things happen. A lot of reasons I saw the writing on the wall and chose time and time again not to leave. We want to believe the best of the people we love, however unwilling or unexpectedly. We want to believe they love us back. Sometimes, believing it doesn’t make it true. Self-delusion is a powerful thing.
The relationship ended in June. And yet, it has taken until now, for me to finally get the few things I wanted back from them. Months of unanswered emails and texts and phone calls. It was only when I used a friend’s phone so they wouldn’t know the number that they answered and I was able to negotiate them giving my things to a mutual friend. I asked for two things. My ring and my throwing knifes. What I got was two bags of things that they could have (I have now) binned. The mini toiletries I left there. Some clothes. Some alcohol including a bottle of champagne I had gotten for her graduation. A few of the gifts I’d bought them over time. Not the expensive ones, of course.
I was ok going through it all mostly. I managed to keep myself emotionally distant from the event. Even so, as the day afterwards wore on, I found some of those feelings drifting back. Self-loathing. Worthlessness. Anger.
I was ok. I kept active and put the emotions to use cleaning. It was only when I went to do some laundry that things went wrong. The wrong song came on randomly, and I picked up her scent on the clothes that they had sent back to me. I should have burned the lot. I just.. I suddenly felt so full of hopelessness. It seemed like everything I touched turned to ash and I didn’t know why I even fucking bothered. In the same moment I was so angry at myself. I have so much Right Here – Right Now – why was I letting some Fuck from yesteryear mindfuck me from beyond the grave. Why was I doing this to myself? Surely I was better than that. I’ve never been the best at controlling my temper. Though I have gotten better over the years, on this occasion – my anger got the best of me. I hit the counter top hard enough to break the solid jade bangle I’ve worn on my wrist for almost ten years. Oddly I felt pretty calm afterwards. I just got my dinner and went to eat it. it was only about 20 minutes later I noticed I was bleeding.
After that, though the anger was gone. The other emotions stuck around. I finished cleaning. I went for a run and pushed myself as hard as I dared knowing how sick I’ve been recently. Even then, when I got home, sleep wouldn’t come. Not until He ordered sleep this morning. Even then it was broken and full of strange dreams. I kept dreaming that a cab came to pick me up but I either refused to get in it because I didn’t like the look of the cabbie or that once I got in, I wanted to get back out but the cabbie locked the doors on me.
I hope by writing this all out, I’ll be able to exorcise these feelings and get back to some sort of equilibrium.
It’s a wound that until now I had not spoken of.
I am good at taking emotions and experiences and putting them in boxes. I will allow myself what time I believe is acceptable to mourn and then I will box up what is left – put it on a shelf and leave it there. This is such an experience. We have all been though them. I had accepted that I would never know what happened. Accepted my mistakes. That I trusted the wrong people. I allowed them far too much control. I allowed them to push emotional limits that I simply was not ready for. There a lot of reasons I let these things happen. A lot of reasons I saw the writing on the wall and chose time and time again not to leave. We want to believe the best of the people we love, however unwilling or unexpectedly. We want to believe they love us back. Sometimes, believing it doesn’t make it true. Self-delusion is a powerful thing.
The relationship ended in June. And yet, it has taken until now, for me to finally get the few things I wanted back from them. Months of unanswered emails and texts and phone calls. It was only when I used a friend’s phone so they wouldn’t know the number that they answered and I was able to negotiate them giving my things to a mutual friend. I asked for two things. My ring and my throwing knifes. What I got was two bags of things that they could have (I have now) binned. The mini toiletries I left there. Some clothes. Some alcohol including a bottle of champagne I had gotten for her graduation. A few of the gifts I’d bought them over time. Not the expensive ones, of course.
I was ok going through it all mostly. I managed to keep myself emotionally distant from the event. Even so, as the day afterwards wore on, I found some of those feelings drifting back. Self-loathing. Worthlessness. Anger.
I was ok. I kept active and put the emotions to use cleaning. It was only when I went to do some laundry that things went wrong. The wrong song came on randomly, and I picked up her scent on the clothes that they had sent back to me. I should have burned the lot. I just.. I suddenly felt so full of hopelessness. It seemed like everything I touched turned to ash and I didn’t know why I even fucking bothered. In the same moment I was so angry at myself. I have so much Right Here – Right Now – why was I letting some Fuck from yesteryear mindfuck me from beyond the grave. Why was I doing this to myself? Surely I was better than that. I’ve never been the best at controlling my temper. Though I have gotten better over the years, on this occasion – my anger got the best of me. I hit the counter top hard enough to break the solid jade bangle I’ve worn on my wrist for almost ten years. Oddly I felt pretty calm afterwards. I just got my dinner and went to eat it. it was only about 20 minutes later I noticed I was bleeding.
After that, though the anger was gone. The other emotions stuck around. I finished cleaning. I went for a run and pushed myself as hard as I dared knowing how sick I’ve been recently. Even then, when I got home, sleep wouldn’t come. Not until He ordered sleep this morning. Even then it was broken and full of strange dreams. I kept dreaming that a cab came to pick me up but I either refused to get in it because I didn’t like the look of the cabbie or that once I got in, I wanted to get back out but the cabbie locked the doors on me.
I hope by writing this all out, I’ll be able to exorcise these feelings and get back to some sort of equilibrium.
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