Triggers

Since beginning this new D/s relationship I have been triggering a lot more than I normally would. I would like to explore that and try to work out why it is happening. Perhaps find a way to make it less likely or perhaps less intense when it does so.

Because of my history of abuse I do have many trigger factors. For some of these, I have over the years, with the aid of good people, been able to work through and play with until they are almost a non-factor. They are there. I am aware of them. However, their impact has been reduced if not nullified in my life. Others, however I still struggle with. That's ok. We all have areas for improvement. Some more than others. My new D-type very much likes orgasm control. He has found that this is a problem with me as even light O-control play can produce triggering effects. I can either flash back completely to a very bad time or I can change head space and go back to the semi-numb head space of yore while still fully aware of my surroundings. Neither are wanted or desired effects. Each time this has happened, He has been very good at recognizing the change and stopping the play to bring me back to myself and provide aftercare. If anything, I struggle to cope with how caring and understanding he is. I find myself wanting to push the thoughts and feelings that come with such an experience away where I think he would rather I talk through them and try to 'deal' with them.

These episodes have been a major source of stress for me in our growing relationship. I know that I the past, the baggage that comes with me from my abuse has caused potential partners to change their minds about seeing me. I just became too much bother. I appricate the kindness that He shows in wanting to help me though this, but I fear that it will become 'too much'.

On of my other major trigger points is being gone down on. I am -terrified- of this. Even writing this is making my heart race. He has decided that I am to get over this. We tried it once, when he first made this decision and I ended up somewhat catatonic. He stopped and cuddled me and did all the right things.

I just... how do you explain to a person that you think you're just broken in some ways?

I have spent years of my life trying to fix the damage that was done. I have scars and honestly, I think that I've done pretty well. Its not perfect, I'm not perfect - but then, no one is.



We are still in the state of sussing each other out. Things are still very new and trust is still being built. If we get to the point of mental bdsm and mind fucks - if that is even his thing... then perhaps we will be able to change some of the well entrenched thought processes through a long process of reprogramming.

Perhaps it is simple self doubt, but I suspect it will all come to an end before we get that far.



It is so instinctive to me, to keep things close. To stay quiet, to hide away feelings so that even I am not aware of them. It was a matter of survival during my abusive relationships and while I worked to undo this bad habit after I left them... it is something that I have once again fallen into when I started to foster a self-abusive thought process in the last few years. In some ways, this is not helped by my tendancy to over think things to a great extent and to have a self awareness of this trait as well as it's oft lack of social acceptablity. This leaves me at times knowing that I -should- share my current emotional state and thoughts but unsure as to how much of it would be acceptable without being seen as an over-share... or to be bat shit crazy. I end up spending a lot of time in my head analyzing my thoughts, afraid to ever express them.



Coming back to the topic at hand, I can see why the triggering is happening. The person I am playing with is pushing a lot of buttons that I generally don't allow to be pushed. I think, that for where I am personally and for where we are in our relationship, that I'm OK with this. There's nothing that leads me to distrust him or think that he has anything but my best interests at heart. Yeah, when it happens, it scares the hell outta me. But he does take good care of me and brings me right back down to earth. Despite my fears and self doubt, he seems to be OK dealing with this when it crops up and while it feels to me like its happening far too often, I suppose in reality it has only really happened a few times. Without putting this play type on my hardlimits list, I don't see a way of stopping the attacks. Perhaps focusing on my surroundings and on being in the immediate moment would help to minimize severity and occurance. End of the day - there is no quick fix. I've lived with it for years and if i have to put up with it happening more often for the sake of spending time with someone who's company I greatly enjoy, well... it seems a fair trade.

Ruby Slippers

I always loved fairytales as a child. Especially ones where strong headed girls would go off on wild adventures and yet still come back to the safety of home. Home. It was always important, even then. To have that safe place. That refuge for retreat. No surprise, really, considering how badly I was bullied at times. Even though home wasn’t always a picnic, even if I had to be the adult when I was just a kid... I was just like Cinderella - in my own little corner, in my own little chair. As I got older and had more adventures I lived many fairytales, from childhood favorites that ended happily ever after to the more adult Grimm brothers tales. Tales that I have spoken a little of, that ended not so happily and left me scarred. There is one fairy tale that I find myself still acting out, still living...

Once there was a girl who lived a happy little life - contented but the little world in which she found herself, she filled her days creating constructs of fire and metal. She warmed her heart with friendship and fed her soul with love. She never looked at the sky and wondered and she never looked for more. She existed and existing was enough.

Then, one day, in a fit of madness, the girl's father took her far far away to a place where there was no metal and no fire for her to build with and though the people looked the same, they did not speak the same language. The girl could not warm herself as she once had and grew cold. The girl could not feed herself as she once had and so a great hunger overcame her.

The girl knew if only she could find home, she could be warm and full. She planned for weeks and finally made her escape. Her journey was long, yet eventually she reached the land of her birth…but something was wrong. Something had changed. It had changed and the journey had changed her. This place was no longer her home.

The girl retreated into herself and considered the situation, all the while her need for warmth and hunger growing - still changing her. If what she needed was not here and it was not in the strange land to which her father had taken her, where was it? While the girl was thinking, her father found her and carried her back to that far off land. Having no reason left, she did not fight.

She resolved to find the things she needed. To find what brought her joy and where she found it, there she would make her home. The hunger made her wonder and for the first time she looked up at the sky in curiosity. The cold made her hard where once she was soft and in her search for answers she was cruel. Her quest made her want more than what she once had. A big life, full and free - uncompromising. The hunger grew and grew, leaving her wanting more and more with nothing to fulfill her while the cold left her heart like ice.

The girl cries at night, calling only for the one thing she cannot find - home

If I knew what made a place feel like home, this would be so much easier. I am conscious that I do not belong where I am but neither do I belong where I once was. Time has changed it and myself too much. I can go back, but it’s not home anymore. This odd happen chance leaves me a consistent outsiders, a role I tire of. But is it even possible now for me to belong anywhere?

Perhaps this is why belonging to Someone appeals so much. At least then I can belong. Can a person be home instead of a place?

That’s an odd thing to hope for in a Master - Dominant/ lover/ friend/ partner/ home