Day 1 - A Letter to My Mother

Dear S,


You taught me so many wonderful things as a child; to believe, to trust myself, to follow my heart and trust my gut, to lead and not follow, not to be unafraid, but to feel the fear and face it anyways, you taught me the value of education, the beauty of being true to oneself, even when it wasn't popular, to treat every person as I wish to be treated. Those lessons have guided me on a life journey I never could have imagined all those years ago. They have become the core of my person, they lie at the heart of every action I take.

I know that, often, we do not see eye to eye. that while, in many ways, we are very alike, our views on the world are very different. I know that I do not conform to the ideal you have hoped for and expected from me since I was born. I hope, for you, that one day to come to accept me as I am and stop comparing me to who I "should have" been. I hope this for you, because I believe it would give you peace. I have come to accept, that I will never be the daughter you wanted, but the daughter you ended up with. I have come to accept, that no matter what I do, it will never be good enough - that who I am, will never be good enough, in the face of who you wish I was. a mini you. and having understood this, all I can do, is be good enough for me.

the religion you so disapprove of, the faith that pushes me on in the face of sometimes overwhelming depression, teaches me to 'hurt none'. it supports those values you instilled in me as a child. it asks me to evaluate each action, each word, and ask if it will harm someone in some way. the Buddhist philosophy I have studied asks me to stop, to think and to act instead of reacting to the people and world around me. while I never claim to be perfect - or to always life up to this, I always try. we are of different faiths, but we still hold values in common. I was not tricked into devil worship - or some evil cult. I heard the voice of my gods and followed.

I am queer. I am attracted to men and women. I suffered in silence for so many years, listening to you talk of people like me as confused, greedy, mentally ill. I am not confused or guilty or ill. I am loving where my heart lies. I seek the beauty of people, not their genitals. I'm sorry it hurt you so when I came out to you, but I could no longer say quiet. denying who I was was killing me. to have been unable to introduce you to so many wonderful people who have been a part of my life made me feel hollow. by telling you, I was trying to fix part of what has been wrong with our relationship for such a long time.

it hurt like a hot knife when you accept your sister as gay but when I finally worked up the courage (and it took a lot) to come out to you, your reaction was "not my daughter". to know that you believe I love where my heart lies, because I was damaged somehow by being "a Goth" as a teen is like a punch in the gut. it hurts when you dismiss my faith as something less than yours simply because it is different.

when you dismiss the pieces of who I am as mistakes or the result of corruption - that hurts. what's more, is that it robs me of any agency I have. it infantilizes me to you so that you cannot see when I have acted carefully and purposely. I knew, as a child coming home from school - I knew someday I would be able to escape the children who bullied me for being different. I just never knew that the woman who got me through those times. who taught me the coping skills and the strength to be myself - no matter what, would take their place. for so long I lived in terror that I would never please you. I tried so hard to find a way to bridge that gap. to make you proud of SOMETHING I had done or was. it lead me to some very poor choices in life.

I cannot live my life for you, I cannot become the daughter you want - because that would mean putting aside the values you taught me. to believe, to trust myself, to follow my heart and trust my gut, to lead and not follow, not to be unafraid, but to feel the fear and face it anyways, you taught me the value of education, the beauty of being true to oneself, even when it wasn't popular, to treat every person as I wish to be treated.

I will not let myself turn my back on those values, even in the face of disappointing you. I will not follow down that path of hypocrisy. I cannot forget who I am or where I came from - it is these life lessons that will help me build a future, my future.

you can choose to be a part of it, you can choose to support me, accept me as I am and love me for it or you can choose to let go and think I am a confused child who will go to hell. I say OR because these are not compatible outlooks and I will not have the latter in my life - it is too destructive and dysfunctional. whatever choice you make - I love you, I always have and I always will.

Your Daughter, KT

Ten Days

I have been meaning to write a letter to my mother. for a long time. its a letter that has been in my heart, lying dormant. waiting. recently we spoke and she said some very honest, yet hurtful things about what she thought of my life and who i was. many of her conceptions of myself were and are incorrect. this made me decide that it was time to sit down and write. i dont know if i will even ever send her this letter, but my hands are trembling at the thought of even putting the thoughts and feelings to paper (or screen as the case may be). i have been considering for some time, trying the 10 day letter challenge. today, the first of the year, seems a good time to face this and perhaps, grow. looking online, i have found no solid outline for this challenge, so i decided to define my own. i will write one letter a day for ten days.

1. My Mother
2. An Ex Lover
3. My Siblings
4. Someone You Miss
5. The Person You Wish You Were
6. Someone Who Had A Huge Impact On Your Life
7. A Stranger
8. Someone You Don't Speak to as Often as You'd Like
9. Someone Who Has Passed On
10. The Person You Are now