Trust

I find trust a difficult thing. Many life lessons have taught me never to trust the people around you, especially those who profess to be your friends. I even limit the trust I give to those I consider to be family, through blood or some other bond as equally abetrary. At times I even find it difficult to trust myself as it seems my ambition has no real regard for my sense of personal happiness.

While normally I am an all or nothing type of person, I view trust differently. I view it in layers and while I might trust someone not to steal my pint, it doesn't mean I'd trust them with my home address. I tend to keep those I call friends at a healthy distance. I share some details of my life with them, perhaps sharing indepth information surrounding a topic of shared interest, while leaving other areas of my life completely unspoken for. This limits any damage they could do in future, should they betray what trust I have extended to them. I am a little more free with my details when speaking with long distance online friends, however in these cases I keep my location al details vauge and only ever go by an assumed identity. But then, I come from a time when the internet was cool because no one knew who you were.

While I do have friends that i have known for years, I see them only infrequently and I trust them no more than I would trust any other at that level of trust. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

This makes it very easy for me to make friends but at the same time, it makes it very easy for me to also discard them. Not to be malicious, but because I simply find I cannot build trust with a person, even on a superficial level. It seems more that what I call friends, are what other people call aquaintences.

Really, my friends, the people I open up to and depend on, are my lovers. Perhaps that is part of the reason I lean so heavily towards poly. For me to feel comfortable pulling back the veil I need to be emotionally involved with someone and with my issues surrounding trust, I cannot be emotionally invested with the people I hang out with while still expecting they will break that trust. That seems to have some ring of truth to it.

This trust structure does pose problems. I often feel isolated and I rarely feel I have someone to talk to about problems that I'm having. Should i lose a lover for whatever reason, i also lose a close friend. Perhaps the only one i have at the time. However, I like spending time by myself and it reinforces self-relience. I'm more capable than I realize when I'm having such moments of weakness. Also, so far, its been nice to have to freedom to move on when i think its time. Not to feel tied down by emotional connections. Though, I do perhaps wonder what it would be like to have them.

Right now, I don't really need to wonder, actually. I am in a relationship that ( without going into details here) has several built in. This ties my partner and thus myself, to the local area, where as previously I had been preparing myself for employment on a global arena. The ambitious super-ego, she fumes. The ego, she is of two minds about the situation and is busy with new logistics planning. the id, she doesn't care so long as well, so long as the needs for pain and control are dealt with. Though she is rather partial to him. So, I guess the answer to my question is conflicted. Though really I try not to think about it. I figure its a we'll-cross-that-bridge-when-we-come-to-it situation. Oddly, that's a pretty big trust I'm extending him.

Actually, I trust him a lot. He worked hard to earn it. I would say i trust him almost implicitly. I say almost because the instinct to pull back, to keep things to myself, to disbelieve him is still there. Those are still my first reactions almost every time but after that knee jerk reaction, I make myself relax, I make myself tell him what I wanted to keep quiet, I try to absorb his words. Trust is a process. Every time we go through that process, it gets a little easier and the distrust becomes a little less instinctive.

Physical obedience is easy. The emotional obedience is a lot harder.

A Ramble on Stress

In times of great stress, I feel the need for submission more keenly. Well, perhaps 'submission' is the wrong term. What I feel the need for is control. I need to feel my owner's control more keenly or my own "inner-dom" kicks in to try and provide the feelings of control that i am not getting externally. This can be quite distructive to a relationship as my "inner-dom" has some pretty specific views on how I should be behaving and structuring my life. As none of those views involve a partner, I end up under further stress as i try to justify to my super-ego why I am allowing such a "distraction" in my life.

This voice will ocassionally rear its ugly head and cause me to resist (and perhaps resent) my enslavement. Using any tactics it can, it will attempt to "set me back on track" as it were and push me away from my loved one. This happens in 'nilla or kink relationships. I find that kink relationships work better as being owned makes it harder to "Just leave". It also makes an end goal of internal enslavement realistic.

I would like someday, to silence this voice. I think it is ultimately a distructive voice as much as it is able to get things done in the short term. The way in which it goes about it is always negative and harmful in some way. I think that this is why I fight it so often and so hard.

It is a voice I am stuggling a lot with just now. There has been a whole series of stressful events that have left me feeling very out of sorts and my super-ego has jumped in to rescue me. Dealing with it all is leaving me warn out and very, very tired. I know that if i just stop arguing - if i did as i was told, it would all be OK.... but I would loose so much. I've been that person before. I don't think its worth going back. I don't think its worth not feeling again. Better to fight on... and wait it out.

I suppose I am rambling here. For that i am sorry. I needed to vent and to let go of these frustrations. I think that when we are stressed it can almost feel like as well as battling to deal with the cause of the stress, we are battling to remain ourselves while doing so. This is what I am trying to document and express. For those of us in D/s or M/s relationships... there is also the drive to be available to serve. Juggling these conflicting needs is not easy and not something I am succeding at just now apparently. This is something I need to work on. Luckily, it appears that my stressful situation will be going on for some time, so i shall have plenty of time to practice.